Thursday, March 1, 2012

Brave Enough To Say

Life is short. There are many things I never said, but wanted to. My goal for the rest of my life is not to let any of these moments pass me by again. Go out. Go out and say what you want to say to that person you want to say it to.

Here are some things I was not brave enough to say, but I am now:

1. It was New York, it was a birthday party, I wore a cozy white sweater and a mauve scarf in my hair that matched my winter cheeks. I came into the party; it was crowded and full of heat. The heat that comes from 100 horny kids in their 20s who aren’t allowed to have sex yet. I didn’t think much when I had seen you at other functions, but you came up behind me and leaned in to the back of me and whispered something funny. It made me laugh...the quickest way to turn me on. I turned around and saw you. Why hadn’t I noticed you before? After you made me laugh and laugh, you asked me into your bedroom. I think I responded with a yes that was too fast because birthday cake flew out of my mouth and we laughed. I sat on the edge of your bed nervously. I wanted you to sit beside me. Instead you sized me up and down, asked me a few philosophical questions and surmised the perfect classical CD mix to make for me. No one knew classical music like you. You sat diligently at your computer, while I entertained you with fresh and funny anecdotes (and secretly crushed on your 70s Bill Cosby-esque sweater). You smiled with those blue eyes, and handed me the CD. Our hands touched. I said “thank you”. I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “I like you and your sweater.”

2. We were cooking food in your kitchen. I was young then. I didn’t know I was pretty. We were pretending that we were the host and hostess of the hottest FoodNetwork cooking program that ever graced the small screen. I did my best Julia Child impersonation; you laughed and beat the eggs too quickly…were you nervous? The quiche was cooking; you came up behind me and surprised me, putting your arms around my waist, resting your chin on my shoulder, you smiled into my neck. I never knew before then that I could actually feel a smile. I was breathless for the first time in my life. I was embarrassed, My tell-tale cheeks reveled it. I took both of your hands and removed them from my waist. I pushed your tan hands back into your personal circle…I pushed your shoulder and told you “to stop that.” I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “This feels safe; I like it in your arms.”

3. I was standing in line for the M10 bus heading to Harlem. I had just finished watching a Christian Bale movie by myself in the theater on 42nd street. You came and tapped me on the shoulder. You surprised me. You said that you had noticed me in the theater, and then you had noticed me in line for the bus. You said you would like to get to know me. That my eyes had light in them that was different from the thousands of people crossing your path each day. You gave me your card. I smiled cautiously. I never emailed or called you. I wish I would have said, “In a city full of millions, thank you for noticing me.”

4. It was London, it was fresh and exciting and new. You waltzed passed in such a state of utter confidence that I actually felt it, you looked at me, you smiled. I shyly looked at the sidewalk while asking myself if I had ever seen anyone quite as beautiful as you. The answer is no...I never had before, and I never have since. You walked by, my eyes followed you, your eyes turned and glanced back at me once. You winked. I blushed. I wish I would have been brave enough to say… "Can I buy you a drink?”

5. We sat on the couch on a rainy Saturday. I was tired. We put on a movie. I feel asleep on your shoulder and you held my hand. I woke up to the credits and the smell of you in my nose. I breathed it in and the lifted my head to be kissed. We kissed long and slow and hard and soft on that gray Saturday. I do not think I've ever had a better Saturday before or since. Perfect in its simplicity. I've still never found anyone quite like you to kiss. If you ever want to kiss again, I'm open to it. I've been trying to be brave enough to say that, but I know it is a circular motion with us that complicates things...but maybe complications are worth it to our lips.


Katrina said...

loved this. makes me grateful for the times i did say something and nostalgic for the times i didn't.

Lou_Lou said...

You're making me cry, Girl!

d'Arcy said...

Thank you, lovely ladies, for leaving comments. It means a lot that you read my words.

Brooke said...

I very much enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing it. So...when are you going to write a whole book?

TheUndertaker said...

Well I have to echo the words in the previous comments: a) you made me cry and b) you simply have to write a book.
That story about the man who gave you the card after the movie moved me and I thought it was one of the best and beautiful things I have heard.
All of it is so beautiful, please write more.