Saturday, October 13, 2007
I wish I would have been brave enough to say....
Even though a few short hours ago I wrote an entry on repetition, it seems as if I am living in repeat as thoughts and conversations-never-to-be float in my brain in these wee hours. I have been thinking a lot about the lack of braveness and courage I have displayed in my life, especially in key moments of possible love and verging relationships…
I wasn’t brave enough to say many things I wanted to, but I am now, and even though they will never read the words, it feels good to put out into the vast universe the things I wish I would have said….
1. It was New York, it was a birthday party, I wore a cozy white sweater and a mauve scarf in my hair. I had made a birthday card for the celebrated person….and you were there. After intense conversation in the kitchen, we moved into your bedroom where you proceeded to show me all of the Simpsons episodes you had recently and illicitly downloaded, you were so proud. You then sized me up and down, asked me a few philosophical questions and surmised the perfect Valentine’s classical CD to make me. You sat diligently at your computer, while I entertained you with fresh and funny anecdotes (and secretly crushed on your 70s New Era-esque sweater). I said “thank you” at the end of the evening. I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “I like you and your sweater.”
2. It was two o’clock in the morning, it had just rained and the air was damp and humid and the smell of azaleas bushes and mimosa trees floated up through your terrace window. I had just told you that I loved you. You had your arm around me, I had my head on your shoulder. Someone knocked on the door. You said, “Should I answer that, because I don’t have to.” I said, “Yes.” because I wanted to be nice, even though I knew who it was and I didn’t want her there. I wish I had been brave enough to say, “No, just hold me close a little longer.”
3. We were cooking food in your kitchen. We were pretending that we were the host of the hottest FoodNetwork cooking program that ever graced the small screen. I did my best Julia Child impersonation, you laughed and beat the eggs too quickly…were you nervous? The quiche was cooking, you came up behind me and surprised me, putting your arms around my waist, resting your chin on my shoulder. It was the first time I remember ever having my breath literally being taken away. I was breathless for the first time in my life. I was embarrassed, I took both of your hands and removed them from my waist. I pushed your tan hands back into your personal circle…I pushed your shoulder and told you “to stop that.” I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “This feels safe, I like it in your arms.”
4. I was standing in line for the M10 bus heading to Harlem. I had just finished watching a Christian Bale movie by myself in the theater on 42nd street. You came and tapped me on the shoulder. You surprised me. You said that you had noticed me in the theater, and then you had noticed me in line for the bus. You said you would like to get to know me. That my eyes had light in them that was different from the thousands of people crossing your path each day. You gave me your card. I smiled cautiously. I never emailed you. I wish I would have said, “In a city full of millions, thank you for noticing me.”
5. It was London, it was fresh and exciting and new. You waltzed passed in such a state of utter confidence, you looked at me, you smiled. I shyly looked at the sidewalk while asking myself if I had ever seen anyone quite as beautiful as you. The answer is no...I never had before, and I never have since. You walked by, my eyes followed you, your eyes turned and glanced back at me once. I wish I would have been brave enough to say… "Can I buy you a drink?”