Sunday, December 7, 2008

Slip Into Your Skin

Time is getting faster, can you feel it? Emotions are governed more by techonology than they are by actual interactions with people. 

What used to take our ancestors a few weeks to get a reply to (like a love letter)--takes us a second. One second. People connect with each other in virtual worlds now more than ever. Does this result in virtual realities? Virtual assumptions? Virtual opinions? Virtual selves? While a minute is still only 60 seconds long, about a million more things are now able to come to pass in a minute in 2008, then there was in 1888. Time is speeding up, do you feel it? These photographs posted here show that clearly....our new ability to catch a tiny nano of space and time...and capture it forever. Does this mean our feelings are more virtual?

This morning I woke up to the feeling that my bed was shaking. I felt it. I thought it was an earthquake. And my first thoughts about this supposedly happening disaster were not normal. I actually felt a small sense of relief. I actually wanted most of my things to be destroyed so I could be free of them all. With that destruction would come a newfound freedom. I have felt tied to Utah. Tied to my furniture and belongings. I want them all to go away somehow. That's not normal, is it? Of course, as we all read each others blogs, we know that the word normal is more a myth and idea than an actual truth. But, I was still a bit baffled by my reaction.

So what is my truth? I've lost my religion this year. I've lost friends. I've lost foundations and ideas that all used to make my life make sense. Why is it that part of me feels like it's time for marriage and children, and the other part of me feels like I should shave my head of this blond mass that many use to define me and that I should go on a pilgrimage of sorts? But, it would be aimless wanderings, yes? Because, honestly, I'm not even sure what I am looking for or where I want to go. 

The one call I hear is Paris. This past week confirmed to me that it was time to go back for more than just a few days. So, I have decided one thing. I'm saving now to spend a month in Paris next summer. The month of July will find me in an apartment in Paris, writing a book. No other connections but Paris and the characters that have been yearning to be created.

So, yeah, I've been in a weird place all year. A place that isn't fully me. A place where I feel like I have to figure things out. Figure things out. Make sense of things. Decide my future. And it's left me, in this final month of December, quite melancholy and lost. And this pressure of time. The daily mirror reminders that I am getting closer to death, that in fact, each second that I am alive, I am, in fact, dying too. The shaking of my bed, the dependence on virtual friends, the lonely echos of my footsteps along a dark sidewalk in my small neighborhood. All of these are reminders of something I have forgotten, or I never knew, or maybe part of me knows but hasn't told the other part of me. Can you have secrets from yourself?

I've been addicted to Regina Spektor, listening to her over and over and over again. There is her song, On the Radio,  and the lyrics say, 

This is how it works
You're young unitl your not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breath 
until their dying breath

No this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
And you take that love you made
And stick it into someone elses heart
pumpin' someone elses blood
And walk arm and arm
And hope you don't get harmed
And even if you do, you'll do it all again....

I don't think that the lyrics only mean people in romantic love. I think any kind of love requires putting some of our hearts into someone elses. I just like that idea at Christmas time.

I finally figured things out this morning. What I figured out is that I don't have a damn thing figured out and that that is going to have to be enough for now.  What I think I will do, however, is use these next few weeks to really connect to the real people around me. The living, breathing, growing old, humming, singing, dancing, crying, sobbing, blue, and red, and green, and yellow people around me.

So, I'm signing off for the rest of the year friends, and I'm going to try and slip into my skin fully...or figure out how to make the skin I have on right now fit a little better.

Merry Christmas.


Stina said...

I fully support your endeavor to figure things out, but just know that you will probably never feel like you "figured it out." That is probably what I have learned the most this year; no matter how much you think you can prepare or expect life to go, it will always surprise you. So have fun with going with the flow, especially if it finds you in Paris!

This post has a very "Eat Pray Love" feel to it and I love it. I think you are headed towards great things and I am feeling very hopeful for you!

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

I agree with Stina.... this does have an "Eat Pray Love" feel to it. I'm glad you're doing this. Get into some real - TRUE - connections. Face-to-face.

You know, when my husband was courting me - WAY back in 1985... PRE-email; PRE-texting; PRE-cell phone even!! .... he used to leave little notes on my car each day. Little handwritten notes. And I still have them. They are real. There's a lot to be said for things that are REAL. (There's something very comforting about that which is not disposable in this ASAP, disposable world of ours...)

I love you, my dear friend.
I'll talk to you soon!

Your far-away (yet real) pal,

Rowena said...

Enjoy your real life.

Transitions can be hard and painful, but usually you come out the other end transformed beautifully.

And there ain't nothing wrong with you.

D'Arcy said...

Funny, i haven't read Eat, Pray, Love....maybe I should over the break.

Ruahines said...

Kia ora D'Arcy,
I just left a comment to your visit to my last post, then read your post here. Sometimes we do have to accept, almost embrace the melancholia. I don't mean sliding into a black pit of depression, but rather stepping back and seeing the shades of grey. The colours will return. I understand your endeavour and though will miss you will embrace your silence and smile at your search. My thoughts are with you.
Kia kaha my beautiful friend.
Aroha always,

Alisa said...

I agree with what others have said here, and wish you all the best D'Arcy. A fast from the virtual can be great for the soul.

Sugar said...

Being released of all that has tied you down and feeling like you are wandering aimlessly is a scary feeling. It's also quite exhilerating! How awesome that you are at a starting-over point. I just hope I have an invite to stay on your couch in Paris next summer! ;)

only a movie said...

You will love that book.

Lovely post. See you in the new year.

Boquinha said...

I so admire what you're doing, D'Arcy. Live Deliberately, my friend. Enjoy your skin.

Michelle said...

Good for you D'Arce, I totally support that. I'm glad we were both on the same page this morning regarding church. We'll try again soon.

Beth said...

Thank you for this post, D'Arcy.

It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

skippylongjacket said...

I love you D'Arcy. I so admire your courage to go through your journey. It would be so easy to give up. Give up and do what, I don't know, because that is just not in your nature either. Give up and conform to what you've always known? Give up and just let go of trying to figure it out? Trying to figure everything out is exhausting, especially when you feel like there are answers, the only thing really keeping you from finding them is you. But I honestly and truly believe that some answers just have to take time and will come after things settle and morph and grind about inside you for a while. You will get there, a place where you are more at peace and home. I don't know where that is, but again I admire you for the journey and wherever you end up, I hope you still let me be a part of you. You are amazing to me. I love the idea of recreating yourself right now. You are held back by nothing - your time, your money, your lifestyle, your breaths, all of it is truly yours to do with as you like. Here, Paris, Timbuktu, you're not afraid. Teacher, writer, lover, friend, you can be any and all and none and more. Even though I know things may seem crazy, you are not, you are free, you are beauty and you are amazing!

Boquinha said...

Wow, skippy! What a beautiful comment!

Steve and Jenn Fletcher said...

I'm not sure what to say. I tend to disagree (not with the support of your journey, etc., but with the "Eat, Pray, Love" vein that has popped up...not such a fan of that book...I would instead suggest Hannah Coulter, perhaps).

Don't leave me behind, though. I don't consider myself a cyberfriend of yours. We have too much history.

For example, to comment on your previous favorite Christmas song is STILL Harry Connick's "It must have been Ol' Santa Claus". Now, doesn't that take you back...?

Kate Lord Brown said...

Happy Christmas D'Arcy - just give yourself some time. Moods are like seasons - maybe you need a fallow time of reflection, to just 'be' and be gentle with yourself to grow. It's tough - up and down like a yoyo, melancholy time of the year but I think we all need these times to rest and gain strength to move up a gear. You'll be cool - you have a wonderful, wise, creative head on those shoulders - it's telling you to take a break this holiday. x

Kate Lord Brown said...

PS - thinking of Paris. My own goal comes from a really old magazine clipping (Elle?) - laughing carefree woman, tagline:

Un esprit libre dans un corps sage.

2009? x

D'Arcy said...

Thanks everyone, and love to you all.

i just put a deposit down for an amazing apartment in Paris for next summer.

Life is what it is, and what it should be.

ophelia rising said...

D'Arcy, I KNOW! I know what you're feeling, I'm feeling it every day. I don't think you're crazy for wanting all your things to be destroyed. I've thought that, too, at times - how amazing and frightening and crazy it would be to lose all objects and start over. A cleansing. A clean slate.

A month in Paris sounds so perfect and lovely, and how wonderful you can do it! I hope you write, write, write. I hope you find a point that propels you forward, that you find one thing leading to another, as the universe unfolds for you.

I am astounded sometimes at the parallels in posts of our blogging circle. Are we drawn to one another because we are so similar in nature, and always reflecting, always questioning? Or is there some sort of cosmic collective consciousness circling around, allowing us to feel and experience life as one people, at the same time? Perhaps a little of both...? Interesting.

I will miss you. You have become such a dear friend to me. But I SO understand, and support you wholeheartedly. Much love to you! xoxo

ophelia rising said...

After you read "Eat, Pray, Love," I wonder if you'll want to follow suit...? I know I did! :)

Gustav said...

Bonjour D'Arcy

You writing a book in Paris sounds right and real.

Time is certainly moving faster today than a hundred years ago. Yet it is possible to slow it down, to observe it from a distance, to relish it.

Happy Holidays!

Boquinha said...

YES! What Ophelia said! Cosmic collective consciousness. Yes! Oh, so well put. I've often had that thought recently and you've put my thoughts into words. I love it.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

A summer in Paris sounds delectable. Perhaps my financial situation will have turned around enough that I can come visit you for a few days.... I would love that.

Until then... bon soir, mon ami! Bon soir!

boylingivylilac said...

I love you D'Arcy.

I enjoyed looking at your pictures of the home we share.


Jenn said...

You're an amazing person, D'Arcy.

Life is so simple it's complicated.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have so much admiration for you and the path you are taking.

Enjoy the book over your break, you will love it.

Kristan said...

Oh wow, Paris! I hope you have a fabulous time. And don't really leave us! I'm just getting to know you!