Thursday, September 24, 2009

32 Possibilities

I am 32.

I am full of possibility.

Whenever my life is presented with more options than I could have ever imagined, I feel almost like crying with a combination of gratitude for the paths presented to me and then also for the courage to muster what I know the new journey will require of me.

I decided to move to Switzerland and accept the job offer.

I'll be moving the day after Christmas.

I might just be there forever. I don't know. It's a pretty incredible job. I feel very blessed. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to everyone, but it's happened to me and I'm not taking it lightly.

And yet, as I accepted it on the phone in the JFK airport on Sunday, my immediate reaction was to cry. I got on the plane with my ex-boyfriend and held the tears back until I walked up to my little house in Salt Lake City. I got in the door, shut it behind me and burst into tears.

I burst into tears with joy and pain and sorrow and anticipation.

Nine months ago I met someone that I really thought I was going to have in my life for a long time. Things were happy and healthy and I loved being with him. The whole relationship had a different feel than the past ones I have been in. I don't write much about my love life or my dating life because my blog has always been open. Now that it's private and read only by my sweet and caring friends all over the globe, I feel I can process these deep issues a bit more. (And I think the next months will be full of various reflections from my past four relationships.) In fact, I feel like I must process them and get to a good place before I go to Switzerland.

My life continues to take these different turns. I thought I'd be planning a wedding sometime in the next year and now I'm planning on how to get my life into a few suitcases and boxes. I thought I was ready to embark on having kids and starting that family and instead I'm off to a remote village in the Alps where I just won't be dating a lot. I thought I could buy a house and create a home and start a new phase of my life that I feel so ready for, and now I'm off to a new direction not planned, maybe not ready for, and full of new challenges.

But yeah, I guess that's just what we call courage, eh?


Nubian said...

I will miss our "rants", chats and the straight faced look trying not to laugh out loud when a student comments to you in English class "you took off points for spelling, I didn't know you were going to take off points for spelling!" I guess I need to get my passport in order!!

Ruahines said...

Kia ora D'Arcy,
So cool to read of your journey here again. Amazing things have happened for you this year. And the best part about it, from my point of view, is that you have embraced it all. Now you join Gustav and I in the elite ex-pat club! He is coming over for Thanksgiving and expects turkey and lots of it. You are invited as well my friend. So good to connect once again and it reads to me as if you are feeling everything you should feel with such a momentous decision. Rave on! Kia kaha!

lazywriter said...

We need a good phone chat before you go! Will you be in New York again before you leave?

skippylongjacket said...

Life directions are always hard to choose. (We must talk!) It sounds like you are going again through that mental shift of embarking on the unknown, rather than the planned and hoped for. But I have a lot of faith that this new journey will be just what you need at this time in your life, a clearing of the past and moving on to the new. So many new and different experiences await you. I admire your courage to go where life takes you and not get too mired in the what if. Kudos, sister! PS - Happy am I that you are again sharing your world with us. Though indeed I respect your privacy, you are such an incredible woman, it would be a pity if the world lost your voice.

jomama said...

i'm proud of you for making the decision to be bold and do something different from your plans. it must be scary but i know that you'll face these challenges brilliantly just as you've done the others in your life.
and i can't wait to visit you in switzerland!

Fletch said...

Looking forward to upcoming posts. Good luck with dealing with family struggles and wrapping up your life there in the meantime.