Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Ironies of Love

I write to process things. I write when the thoughts in my brain swirl around too much and need a release. I write because maybe, just like many people have told me, I simply think too much. I write. Sometimes my thoughts simply compose themselves in the form of stories. I rearrange them just so.

As many of you know, my oldest half-sister, Heather, was shot by her husband on Thursday night.

All day yesterday the thoughts wouldn't stop. All day as I sat in the ICU waiting room thinking of my sister and how all our lives how now been changed forever, it was just me and just my thoughts. I saw things in images and I tried to compose a logical story. But logic just can't exist in such an irrational world can it?

I saw my sister with a swollen face, with her entire body covered with bandages, with the only recognizable feature being her soft, long brown hair spread over the pillow in a fashion that was poetically beautiful, graceful and fragile. That first moment seeing her stopped my heart. How could that be someone I know? How could that be someone I love?

I sat in the ICU hallway because I didn't want to hear the television in the waiting room, clutching my bag with too tight fingers and an old lady in a wheelchair next to me. She looked sad and her body was frail and small and she was an age that I don't even know if I want to live to. To every hospital worker that walked by she screamed at the top of her lungs "Excuse me! You have my husband! I want my husband!" She couldn't go beyond the double doors because she was sick. They wouldn't let her. Her words just kept echoing in my mind. They had her husband, the ICU had her husband and they had my sister and they were calling the shots and they had other people in there. They had them.

My thoughts turned to my brother in law. They turned to the big hug he gave me before I left on my mission and how he told me he was proud. They turned to his height and strength and his smile and how he always made the perfect hamburgers at the family barbeques. They thought of how he held each of their three children with love and tenderness in the hospital after they were born. They thought of the day he married Heather. The day he stood by the priest and watched her walk towards him. Heather, in that white dress, married in a mountain grove of turning leaves in a beautiful Autumn flow of colors much like there are now.

My thoughts tried to put this story together, tried to compose how someone went through all of that and ended up in the driveway. She saying that she was leaving him. Him pulling out a gun and saying she would die first. Little Megan watching. Him shooting her four times, in the face, in each arm, in the knee. My brain can't make that into part of their story. They had a beautiful home, always good with money and always successful. They were always happy. They were to be envied, so how did this happen?

How can anyone do this to someone else? Any two strangers, how could they do this. What is humanity? Is the definition of that word lacking some malicious part that we pretend isn't there?

But how could two people who have shared so much have such a different story going on underneath the surface than the one my brain had been composing for them?

Yesterday, in that waiting room, I had a thought I haven't really ever entertained.

"I don't know if I believe in God anymore."

I don't know if God is apart of my story anymore.

At least not this weekend.

After an afternoon in the ICU I took a break. Then we went back in the evening.

We were in the waiting room. My dad and my mom were holding hands and leaning close together. My sister and her husband had their arms around each other and he was comforting her. My other sister had her boyfriend (almost fiance) and he was slowly rubbing her back and neck and being there. And my youngest sister had her fiance there, going to buy her some coffee, asking what he could do. And for just a few moments I cried selfishly. It was nice not to have anyone asking my why I was crying, we had all been crying. But for the first time that day I cried because I felt really, really alone. I cried because I didn't have that person to depend on. I cried because as we all sat quietly in the waiting room I just sat there and held my purse in my lap. I watched all my sweet sisters with the loves of their lives and I felt nothing but skeptical. I felt nothing but the fact that I was alone and maybe life is better when you don't depend on that one other person. Around me, in that waiting room, there was so much love. And yet, why was my sister bleeding and wounded behind those doors as a result of some twisted version of love? How could I be in the presence of such sweet and tender emotions as these four beautiful couples were showing last night? All the while sitting and waiting to hear if Heather would live because of what own husband had done to her. How is such a dichotomy of the same emotion even possible?

Last night the ironies of love were simply too much for me to handle.


Nubian said...

I struggle to read your blog for the tears are clouding my vision. My heart aches for you and your family. This has been a huge flashback moment for me with regards to my Dad and I know about the confusion and anger that you feel. Even though you feel alone, with regards to not having that "special someone" by your side, you are not alone D, there are so many that love you and were with you in spirit as you sat in the waiting room. As I graded your students papers last night I was amazed at the gift that you have, to earn your students trust to open up themselves to you in their Timelines, you have a quality that many envy, you are blessed and I am so thankful to have you in my life... D, hugs, big huge breath taking hugs to you....

Kimbie said...

Oh dear D'Arcy:(

I am so incredibly sorry and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Please know how much I love you.

Jessica said...

You ask so many good questions.
I wish I had some answers, but I don't.

I only know that I love you and support you and wish I was there to rub your back or get you a coffee.

This should never happen to anyone, and I'm so sorry it is happening to you, your sister and your family.

I wish all of you the best on the long road to recovery.

Rowena said...

D'arcy, I don't know what to say. How awful. Your poor sister. Your poor family. My thoughts are with all of you.

Everyone deserves love, but sometimes they are so damaged, they don't know how to accept it, or their own love comes out wrong and warped.

I hope Heather gets well.
Love and Hugs

Ruahines said...

Kia ora D'Arcy,
Tara and I both send our thoughts to your sister, and you and your family. Kia kaha.

KingdomWriter said...

D'arcy, I really don't know what to say as words seems so fickle in situations like this. Therefore sending thoughts, love and prayers your way as you process, wait, and hurt. Love to your whole family.
Big, big hugs, you and your sister are in my prayers tonight.

Chelle said...

Beautifully written D'Arce. Those are such real questions, I think I would be thinking and feeling the same things. I don't really have any answers either. I wish I was there. You're so right, there are so many positives to being single, but it's times like that it's so hard to be alone. I can't wrap my head around how love can turn into that kind of violence. It's times like this I think we all need to take care of each other, whether we are in a romantic relationship or not. Love you lots, we will have to talk soon.

D'Arcy said...

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your support and love and I have definitely felt it personally the past two days.

Heather got her first surgery yesterday on her jaw bones to start getting some of them healed and fixed. It's a good sign.

In other news, my brother in laws parents are trying to post bail already and we are all pretty devasted about that. He comes from a very wealthy and privileged family and he is their only child. They are asserting that he must have had a moment of insanity to do what he did.

I can see that in addition to my sisters health and well being, we are going to have an uphill battle with this too.

Keep praying and sending out love, it does help.



Kelly Ann said...

Thank you for your honesty and know that my thoughts will be with you for along time.