Monday, June 4, 2012

The EX-Factor

If you live in Salt Lake City, you are older than 27, and you have had an active dating life, then you know one thing—it is easy to run into an ex.  

In fact, you will not only run into an ex, you will also run into the guy you went on three awkward dates with who never called you back. He will be standing in front of you at Coffee Garden right after you have finished yoga and you are sweaty and not at all ravishing. You will stand there behind him, staring at the back of his head, and debate about just how adult you are supposed to be.  Whatever you decide, you will curse the fact that he is in your coffee shop.  

You will also run into that guy who took you to the Broadway Theater to see the great indie movies you both loved, even though you realized, after holding hands with him in the gritty tale of The Wrestler that he is nothing more than eye candy.

You will run into the man who took you to Urban Lounge because you both wore red beanies and loved Neko Case and he dumped you for this other girl who wore beanies and loved Neko Case because she had bigger glasses than you did.

At the Capitol Theatre you will run into the guy you dated once who does not yet know he is gay even though he talked to you about the brilliance of Billy Elliot for 45 minutes.

And the finale will be that you will run into ALL of these men combined at the Farmer’s Market at Pioneer Park on Saturday morning—those are the best times of all. It's like a little party that you would never invite the Queen to.

When you date people who have similar interests as you do, there are only so many places to go in the Salt Lake City. 5 coffee shops, 3 concert venues, 2 organic markets, and 1 great movie theater.

The sort of awkwardness you feel with someone you had a few dates with can be annoying, but not enough to keep you from frequenting your favorite hot spots. But, what if you had a three year relationship with someone? Someone who goes to all the same spots as you because you went to those spots together, and often. What if they are legitimately dubbed your “EX” (and everything that entails).  

Don't fret! If that happens, I have some helpful hints for the person who is the Ex (which is not me, because I, obviously, do not need to change).

If you are an EX, I’d like to help you.  All EX-es should know to follow a certain code of conduct, especially if they feel nothing for the other person, but the other person still feels things for them. This makes sense, right?

Ahem, All EX-boyfriends should adhere to the following basic rules:

1.     They should never appear in public with the new girl they are dating. Especially if that girl is ten years younger than you are. They should not hold her hand in your presence, or whisper in her ear in your presence, or open the car door for her (the one they used to open for you) in your presence.

2.     They should never look too happy or tanned or healthy or vibrant. They should look forlorn and melancholy, like their life ceased to have meaning after you broke up with them.

3.     When they go out in public, they should appear slightly unshaven and their clothes should be a bit wrinkled.  They should look traumatized and on the verge or tears. They should carry around a small mole-skinned notebook that they compose bad love songs about a girl with blonde hair and rosy cheeks.

4.     And this, above all: They should be utter douchebags every time you see them. They should NOT, never, ever, never bring you an umbrella if you are at the concert venue where they volunteer and it is hot outside and the sun is shinning so much and your delicate skin will get burned and they notice this and they bring you an umbrella which they should not have done. They should not offer you water and blankets at this same venue when they see you might be thirsty or cold. They need to not notice you or say hi to you or be kind in any way. They should ignore you, act childish, and look ugly.  It is really that simple.

I am glad we cleared this up.

1 comment:

Chelle said...

This is so true! Why don't they understand that being nice is so much worse? It's much easier to hate and move on from a terrible person-channel that ex-boyfriends!