Brave Enough To Say

Life is short. There are many things I never said, but wanted to. My goal for the rest of my life is not to let any of these moments pass me by again. Go out. Go out and say what you want to say to that person you want to say it to.


Here are some things I was not brave enough to say, but I am now:

1. It was New York, it was a birthday party, I wore a cozy white sweater and a mauve scarf in my hair that matched my winter cheeks. I came into the party; it was crowded and full of heat. The heat that comes from 100 horny kids in their 20s who aren’t allowed to have sex yet. I didn’t think much when I had seen you at other functions, but you came up behind me and leaned in to the back of me and whispered something funny. It made me laugh...the quickest way to turn me on. I turned around and saw you. Why hadn’t I noticed you before? After you made me laugh and laugh, you asked me into your bedroom. I think I responded with a yes that was too fast because birthday cake flew out of my mouth and we laughed. I sat on the edge of your bed nervously. I wanted you to sit beside me. Instead you sized me up and down, asked me a few philosophical questions and surmised the perfect classical CD mix to make for me. No one knew classical music like you. You sat diligently at your computer, while I entertained you with fresh and funny anecdotes (and secretly crushed on your 70s Bill Cosby-esque sweater). You smiled with those blue eyes, and handed me the CD. Our hands touched. I said “thank you”. I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “I like you and your sweater.”


2. We were cooking food in your kitchen. I was young then. I didn’t know I was pretty. We were pretending that we were the host and hostess of the hottest FoodNetwork cooking program that ever graced the small screen. I did my best Julia Child impersonation; you laughed and beat the eggs too quickly…were you nervous? The quiche was cooking; you came up behind me and surprised me, putting your arms around my waist, resting your chin on my shoulder, you smiled into my neck. I never knew before then that I could actually feel a smile. I was breathless for the first time in my life. I was embarrassed, My tell-tale cheeks reveled it. I took both of your hands and removed them from my waist. I pushed your tan hands back into your personal circle…I pushed your shoulder and told you “to stop that.” I wish I would have been brave enough to say, “This feels safe; I like it in your arms.”

3. I was standing in line for the M10 bus heading to Harlem. I had just finished watching a Christian Bale movie by myself in the theater on 42nd street. You came and tapped me on the shoulder. You surprised me. You said that you had noticed me in the theater, and then you had noticed me in line for the bus. You said you would like to get to know me. That my eyes had light in them that was different from the thousands of people crossing your path each day. You gave me your card. I smiled cautiously. I never emailed or called you. I wish I would have said, “In a city full of millions, thank you for noticing me.” 

4. It was London, it was fresh and exciting and new. You waltzed passed in such a state of utter confidence that I actually felt it, you looked at me, you smiled. I shyly looked at the sidewalk while asking myself if I had ever seen anyone quite as beautiful as you. The answer is no...I never had before, and I never have since. You walked by, my eyes followed you, your eyes turned and glanced back at me once. You winked. I blushed. I wish I would have been brave enough to say… "Can I buy you a drink?”

5. We sat on the couch on a rainy Saturday. I was tired. We put on a movie. I feel asleep on your shoulder and you held my hand. I woke up to the credits and the smell of you in my nose. I breathed it in and the lifted my head to be kissed. We kissed long and slow and hard and soft on that gray Saturday. I do not think I've ever had a better Saturday before or since. Perfect in its simplicity. I've still never found anyone quite like you to kiss. If you ever want to kiss again, I'm open to it. I've been trying to be brave enough to say that, but I know it is a circular motion with us that complicates things...but maybe complications are worth it to our lips.

Thanks Love...

Maybe I'm too much of a romantic. Right after I wrote my last post I received this little email from a cool website that sends you a happy thought once a day. It kind of made me rethink the last paragraph. Yeah, I've loved. It's true. Can't call it anything else in my mind. And I'm happier and maybe slightly wiser because of it.

Here's what it said...and I know it sounds funny, but it was nice to hear:

Thanks, D'Arcy, for every single time you ever fell in love.

Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.

It changed everything.

Perhaps Love...

How do you know when you love romantically? Can you describe it? I'm curious as to your definition. Many songs describe it. Many poets too. If you asked fifty people, they'd all say something different. One person can feel it, another feels it differently. How do you know when you're in love?

Perhaps love is like a resting place, A shelter from the storm
Perhaps love is like a window, Perhaps an open door
Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know

These pictures are of two beautifully hand-carved silver scenes I bought in Salzburg this summer. I bought two. They each have a man and a woman working together. I imagined each couple in love and I planned, this past Christmas, to give one of them to my then Boyfriend...and I would keep one. And my sweet visions saw to a day in the future where they would hang on our joint Christmas tree in a home we created together. They would remind us that love takes work and kindness and togetherness and all those good things you know it takes to keep it growing. You have to plant it. You have to prune it. Just like these tiny couples that stand no taller than three inches.

Seems so super romantic of me, doesn't it? I have both of them still...though almost, almost I gave one to him, even when I knew we'd never share a tree.

I've hung them up above my desk here in Switzerland. They make me happy. But, honestly, they don't make me want marriage or a relationship of any kind.

I have such a different idea for my life than I did this past summer. The truth is, I'm glad I'm not married. I'm glad I'm not tied to anyone or anyplace. The truth is, if I had married any of my past boyfriends, I'd not be here. I'd not be now. I'd not have the amazing conversation or drive up the mountain that I had last night. I'd not be planning my plans and growing my growth.

Sure, I could be other places and I could be happy. I'm just sort of a happy person. But for now, right now, I'm really, really grateful that all turned out as it did. That's not to slight my past "loves". It's not to say they were lacking in any way for me. It's just to say that, maybe, just maybe, those past loves weren't REALLY love. Because I have a feeling that real love tends to stick a bit longer. Again, I could be wrong. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not quite so sure if I know what romantic love is (I got the family and friend part down), at least for me. I've also come to the conclusion that I won't toss that word around lightly to romantic partners either. Next time I say it, well, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be to the one that sticks.

32 Possibilities

I am 32.

I am full of possibility.

Whenever my life is presented with more options than I could have ever imagined, I feel almost like crying with a combination of gratitude for the paths presented to me and then also for the courage to muster what I know the new journey will require of me.

I decided to move to Switzerland and accept the job offer.

I'll be moving the day after Christmas.

I might just be there forever. I don't know. It's a pretty incredible job. I feel very blessed. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to everyone, but it's happened to me and I'm not taking it lightly.

And yet, as I accepted it on the phone in the JFK airport on Sunday, my immediate reaction was to cry. I got on the plane with my ex-boyfriend and held the tears back until I walked up to my little house in Salt Lake City. I got in the door, shut it behind me and burst into tears.

I burst into tears with joy and pain and sorrow and anticipation.

Nine months ago I met someone that I really thought I was going to have in my life for a long time. Things were happy and healthy and I loved being with him. The whole relationship had a different feel than the past ones I have been in. I don't write much about my love life or my dating life because my blog has always been open. Now that it's private and read only by my sweet and caring friends all over the globe, I feel I can process these deep issues a bit more. (And I think the next months will be full of various reflections from my past four relationships.) In fact, I feel like I must process them and get to a good place before I go to Switzerland.

My life continues to take these different turns. I thought I'd be planning a wedding sometime in the next year and now I'm planning on how to get my life into a few suitcases and boxes. I thought I was ready to embark on having kids and starting that family and instead I'm off to a remote village in the Alps where I just won't be dating a lot. I thought I could buy a house and create a home and start a new phase of my life that I feel so ready for, and now I'm off to a new direction not planned, maybe not ready for, and full of new challenges.

But yeah, I guess that's just what we call courage, eh?

Wanting...

Here is what I created today. I am calling it "Same". I really like it. It's two separate paintings that will be placed next to each other. I'm framing them tomorrow and will be able to get some better shots of it with the good camera. These were taken under some bad lighting. But I like them. I like them a lot. I'm hoping that I can sell a painting or two in the next couple of months so I can finally have enough money to buy oils.
A lot of people have asked me what I want lately, truthfully, I've been the most insistent with myself. "What do you want D'Arcy girl?" I know what I should want. One part of me wants a PhD and to be powerful and smart and sophisticated. The other part of me would like to find that person that I could be with for a couple of years and have a kid...just one. Part of me wants to move to New  York to be in the heat of it all. Part of me wants to move to California to be in the cool of it all.

And yet, when I keep looking at what I want, what I really want...it's to help people. Plain and simple. I feel my profession is perfect for this. I feel I am good at it. I feel great pride and joy in my daily activities. But I also need more. I want to look at ways of donating my time to do more. I'm thinking of donating my summers to teaching English in Asia or Thailand. If I live frugally I could do this, without any other motive than to help.

When I think about what I REALLY want, I want to help people. I'm an educator. So, I'd like to educate. So many people, women especially, are searching for that, education frees. Sometimes I wonder if I don't need to seek after the prestige of the PhD or the cliche of a husband...and just wander the world, learning and living with it's people.

I'm looking to do this for summer of 2010. If you know any places that come to mind, let me know.

God's a Woman Too

I found this video while reading over at Kate Lord Brown's website.

I've been pondering a question today. A question that makes no sense. I've wondered how people who claim to love you can be the quickest to speak harshly to you when you do or do not deserve it. When you feel love for someone, shouldn't it be the easiest thing in the world to speak words of love to them, even when you're angry? Don't we all reach an age where we learn how to handle other people's mistakes or shortcomings gracefully, ESPECIALLY with those we love? I guess that's a Godlike attribute that many would say we lack, but I'm hopeful. I've been hurt a lot. A lot. But I can honestly say that I have not ever purposefully or intentionally tried to hurt someone with my words. I've never said "I love you" to someone and then turned around and said "fuck you" to that same person the next day. Is it true that love and hate can be that closely connected?

That's the thing. I got an emotional sucker punch in the face this morning.  A very big FUCK YOU right to the gut. And yet, instead of crying and scrambling around doing what women do best in trying to apologize for causing it (even if I didn't) or blaming myself (even if it's not my fault) or questioning my own valid feelings (even if they don't match with what someone wants me to feel)....well, ok, I DID do all of those things for most of the day....but instead of being pulled into this pit of failure or sadness, I decided not to go hide in a corner like the wounded puppy I felt like. 

That's right, instead of feeling too trampled to move forward, I actually felt a pull to better myself, push myself, and to let that Phoenix rise and fly, even if I go my journey alone (And Paris alone this summer is a big manifestation of just what my life has in store for me). Then I found this song, and  actually it seemed to fit my mood. You can tell the singer is powerful, her words alone prove that, but her voice is so small and has so much growing and things yet to prove, but she is on the brink of proving that. That's where I am in my life. That's what you are witnessing. Sure, I got hurt today, but in the end I'm responsible for my actions. I'm responsible for my happiness.

In the end, I own my reality, and I've decided I'm not going to get mad at the world or at God. I'm not looking for a man or a woman or a job or a car or a size to make me feel better about something. I've weighed all the facts, and despite it all, I'm still an optimist.

Ordinary

Disclaimer: yep, before you even read I have to be honest and tell you that I am NOT seeking for any type of validation that you may feel the need to write to me after you read this post. Seriously. Don't do it.  Just think the thought I'm presenting and walk about in it for a bit.

John Legend has a beautiful music video of the song "Ordinary People" that you should all watch, but youtube won't let me post it. Instead, I'll post my new favorite song. Maybe all of us are just "dreaming of Revelry" and thus don't have time to call each other and form functional relationships?

Lately I've been pondering the fact that I might actually be completely ordinary. That there might not be anything truly magnificent about me. That there might not be anything that makes me stand out in a crowd. That there has to be some reason why things in my life continue to follow similar patterns. That there is reason why some people spend one or two evenings with me, or a weekend away, and then kind of shrug their shoulders at the idea of spending more time with me.

Yep. I'm ordinary. 

Last night I went to a dinner party with Michelle as my date. We had dinner with Stina and Alisa and their spouses. While driving to dinner, Michelle and I had an interesting, non emotional (and VERY rational...cause we're like that) conversation that the reason we seem not to make it past date one or two or three (her number lately has been seven, which throws my three out of the water) is because we just don't have that certain "je ne sais quoi" that keeps them coming back. What IS THAT anyway? Can someone define that for me?

Dinner was awesome. The six of us laughed and talked and joked and had some crazy conversations (A and S, you KNOW what I am talking about!). It truly was a wonderful night.  At the beginning of the evening, as Michelle and I were sharing our "ordinary" philosophy, Stina's husband said "Well, you just haven't found the RIGHT guy." And he really meant it, as do most people who tell us that. (Although, I'm beginning to wonder about finding lots of wrong guys for the past 13 years seems like a long run of REALLY bad luck.)

Where were we? 

Ah yes, the "you've not found the right guy" bit. If I had a nickel for every time someone has said that to me, I'd be a woman of leisure (and heaven knows THAT's not my reality at the moment, damn you economy and 401 k plans!!!!!)  I wonder (and A and S, take this with all the love and thought that I am putting out there) if that is an easy thing that people who married young and found "the one" say to others who don't have what they have (and in fact have NEVER had what they have).  I wonder if that's just an assumption in their minds because it actually did become a reality for THEM. When the truth be told, it very well might NEVER become a reality for me (or Michelle, that's right, I'm not going to be alone in this!!) It HONESTLY really might not ever happen. And yet, most married people and many single people still hold on to this idea that it just HAS to happen in life. It is part of life. When really, that's just a Hollywood definition of life, is it not? I mean, I am VERY happy with life and love where I am at and actually think that being single just might be for me, but that doesn't mean I don't get irked with the whole game of love and dating.

So yeah, I am totally on the fence about marriage at this point in my life, in fact, I don't desire it at all right now. However, I would like some practice of just having someone return my metaphorical phone calls. The good thing about Michelle and I is that we are not psycho (at least in actions). We aren't hard to get rid of, we don't keep after men who don't call when they say they will, we don't make a nuisance of ourselves. We are actually very GOOD dates. We make good conversation, we are well groomed, we are intelligent. And I wonder, has that become ordinary? Are there so many over educated, intelligent women who also have that certain flare that that leaves those of us who might be flareless kicked out of the bed? 

Hmmm, it's interesting to think about. Because there definitely ARE those girls that have the flare. We all know them. Maybe you are them. Maybe you hate them. Maybe. But they are there and it's no use pretending that they are not. How do they know what to do? Are there classes that teach the flare? If there were, I couldn't afford them, damn you twice economy!!

P.S. If one person tells me that I will find the "one" or anything along those lines then I am going to hunt you down and go crazy on your ass. However, if you want to discuss anything else not along those lines, be my guest. Though I've probably scared you away from commenting at all. Which is fine. What is there really to say? Nothing much. I think that's why I find myself shrugging my shoulders for most of life's big questions now.

I Write My Own Love Songs

When you're young and impressionable, you believe that one of the most romantic things that could happen to you is that your love would inspire a song. Yes, that you will have a romance of bibilcal proportions, that you will be a MUSE (!!!!!!!), that you will inspire poetry and agnst, and large consuptions of alcohol!

Sigh.....

But, honestly, that's never happened to me. I never seem to leave a very large mark on past loves, though most of mine still haunt me in some way. So, when my friend Emily asked me to compose a song for her latest album, I decided that I would take my last love and pretend to write a song that maybe I could have inspired. I know, so pitiful it makes you think I'm a bit off in the head. And if you don't know by now, I'll confess, I'm a bit off in the head.

But this was fun. We'll be putting it to music soon and singing it. Until then, I'd like to know your thoughts on a proper title. I have a few ideas, but want to see what you can come up with:

Slower:
I dreamed a liquid dance
And danced a golden dream
of cherry blossom cheeks
And super nova powers that taste like cream

Digging deep rather than digging wide
our secret confessions and that
stellar explosion inside

woo ooh ooh (or something like it)
woo ooh ooh

Faster:
What a chance for romance, you
Know I like making love.
Like Alobar and Kudra
With the perfume of a jitterbug.
In the light of the dawn, in the
Dawn of the day we'd still
have secrets to spare,
and skin to skin shows how much we care.
Holding your hand with the palm staring up at me.
The lines run deep like stellar streams,
They tell tales of cherry blossom cheeks,
And super nova powers that taste like cream

This is the song you'd write me
If you wrote songs
These are the words you'd say
If words came that way
This is the life you'd paint
if living were art, but your colors
have faded from my redblue heart

A guilty god watches over me,
And the Paris wind freezes our liquid dream,
But I have the cherry blossom cheeks
And I'm the super nova that tastes like cream.

Money, Money, Money

Money and relationships. Can the two go together? They usually do. To form a relationship-- one (or both of you) is spending money to make that happen. Dinner, movies, concerts, museums. Who is paying for all of these things? Should we share it? Should they pay for it at the beginning? How fair is that??!

But then again.....

I was raised to expect the man to pay for me. I was raised to expect him to open the door. I was raised to expect him to carry my bags and books and groceries. And old habits die hard. And I am a hypocrite because I want a relationship not tied to gender specific roles (in some cases), and yet I find myself tied to some of these archaic practices myself. I don't want to change my last name when I get married. I want a husband who doesn't mind if I work. I want a spouse who will share the dinner making responsibilites. I want a spouse who is equally responsible for raising our children together. I want all of these things, and yet, I still want him to open the door for me. I think I must be crazy, right?

I'm trying to let go of these unrealistic expectations...but old habits die hard.

I've had some modern day experiences with money lately that have made me feel uncomfortable at first, and then wonder if it should have made me feel uncomfortable at all. It's this entire unknown universe still seeking definition! Because of this, I find myself over-analyzing money everytime I go on dates. I am never sure what I should do/pay for/or offer as I don't want to offend/assume/or exploit.

Up until last year, all my boyfriends (yep, all four of them in the course of my days) and all previous dates I had been on, just paid for me. I never had any weird experiences like my sister April, where the guy asked her out for dinner and then his card was declined (after he ordered several drinks, appetizer, dessert, and she had only ordered a side salad because she wasn't that hungry. She ended up having to pay for dinner AND drive his car home because he got too drunk to drive!). Even after they stopped being my boyfriends and we would just hang out as friends, they still ALWAYS paid for me. Men in my past just paid for me. Is this fair? Is this right?

I've met two different types of men lately:

Summary of Guy #1: He treated me with old fashion gender roles, opening my door, pulling out my chair, helping me with my coat--but still wanted to split the money. So yes, we split the money, but this man would be the breadwinner and I would stay home with the kids and cook and clean. If he is expecting the gender roles, then should he be paying for the dates?

Summary of Guy #2: He treated me with modern gender roles. We are both people and we should show equal respect, so whoever gets to the door first should open it, that's logic. So, yes, we split the money, but this man would also split the cleaning and the cooking and the raising of the kids.



Which is better? What do I expect? What do I want? I don't know!!

I think the thing that I get so worried about is for a man to think I am dating him BECAUSE he has money, or that I even care about MONEY at all. This makes me paranoid. Especially when the man makes more money than I do (which most of them do, because, hey, I'm a poor Utah School teacher). Should it still be 50/50 when one of you makes a considerable amount of money and the other is as poor as a church mouse?

With my recent dates, I find myself offereing to help pay, but none of them have accepted and they have all been paying. Should this bother me? Does that mean they are going to want me to act in a traditional way? Are they not even thinking about it because it's just expected of them? AGH!!!!! Dating is HARD!?! Should I step up and insist on helping out?


How did you handle this when you were/are dating?

Steph & Scott

One of my DEAREST friends in all the world is getting married! And I couldn't be happier for her!! It was such an honor to take their engagement photos today. The laughter, the love, the serenading (thanks Scott, that was memorable!) and every moment of seeing the two of them together just confirmed what I already knew...sometimes love just works, sometimes it's just easy, sometimes you just sit back and savor the time when you can be in the presence of two people in love!

Congratulations you guys!!!!

Torrey & Judd

Yesterday I was able to take photos of a couple of my FAVORITE people! Almost a year ago I was able to photograph their wedding, and to see them a year later, still full of love (it's so obvious!) and energy (enough to spare) and vibrance and laughter and just about everything else two people in love should have was awesome. It was SO MUCH fun to spend an afternoon taking these amazing photos of Judd & Torrey (seriously folks, they are the MOST photogenic couple). Also, they really make you want to fall in love...sigh. Thanks guys! And you're helping kids in India at the same time!!

Chemistry? Yeah Chemistry!!

One of the things I never really understood was how some relationships formed so easily. I seem to have only had troubled waters in this arena. When I was at BYU I was CONSTANTLY bombarded with hundreds of saccharine sweet engaged couples. Some getting married after only a few months of knowing of the other's existence. And I, completely baffled and incredulous, would ask how they KNEW it was right. More often than not, they would result to the syrupy cliche..."When it's right. It's right."

Um, yeah. Hasn't been that easy for me. But don't worry crowd, I'm not down about it. I love the way my life has played out!!

However, I just have to be curious. Was finding your mate easy for you? Did you know when your love came along?

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this clip from "Guys and Dolls" because Sky totally knocks Sarah off her feet. He comes in and turns everything she thought she knew about love completely upside down. Did you marry the person you thought you would? Did you find yourself falling for someone that was exactly opposite from everything you ever imagined, but when you met, you just knew? I find this the most fascinating question on earth....who do you decide to marry?



Have you ever been SO attracted to someone that you just couldn't describe it? My friend and I were talking the other day about what a funny thing chemistry is. We've both had strong physical attractions to guys that didn't treat us so well. But then when we have met super nice guys, there is NO chemistry whatsoever. Since she dates more than I do, we will talk about her. She has been casually seeing this guy who she has AMAZING chemistry with. Seriously a beautiful thing. He makes her heart pound, butterflies flutter, and all that sweaty palm stuff that makes those dates worth dressing up for. The problem is, he doesn't call very often, he is forgetful, and he doesn't really plan things. Then, she goes out with another guy, sweet as can be, so attentive, asks her questions!! I mean, seriously, ASKS her questions (I've really ever known one man to do this in my acquaintance, but apparently she has found another). He is reliable and nice. He does everything right.

And yet.

And yet.


NO CHEMISTRY.


Can there be both, or do you have to sacrifice one for the other?



It's the old, cliche dilemma. Do you go for Marlon or do you go for James? You know what I mean. James is sweet and kind and a listener and faithful. But, for me at least, I have NEVER wanted to pull James Stewart into a passionate kiss and have my way with him (some of you do, I know). Or, do you go for Brando, a little dark, a little melancholy, a little distant---but sweeps you off your feet with one piercing stare and you can't keep your hands off of each other? I could make out with a young Brando for hours. HOURS. Hours.

Hours.



My question is can chemistry grow? Can couples create a chemistry if given enough time? Or does it simply have to be there?

Those of you who are married, how did you know it was right? Is it timing or attraction or something else?

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing....

It's been a week. I have thought of things I could blog about daily...Sarah Palin, my undying love for Jon Stewart, Modernization and where it is getting us, suffering throughout the world, the happiness of the weddings I photographed this weekend, Ingrid Michaelson's new singles, flying standby, and yes, those longed for empanadas....but I'm not going to tackle anything trivial or controversial today, instead, I want to talk about you.

That's right, the beauty of you.

This week I've realized something that I have always known....a lot of us are in need of healing, a lot of us are really hard on ourselves, a lot of us demand perfection, a lot of us aren't so kind to ourselves, a lot of us have a hard time living in the present moment, a lot of us get weighed down by the cruelties around us, and a lot of us are lacking the love we need...even if just a little bit.

My google reader was at 219 when I got back from Buenos Aires, today it's down to 16. I've been reading about your lives a lot. I've been seeing your paintings about flygirl, your experiences in the dirt, your causes for preserving the land, your fights to see yourself as beautiful, your acknowledgment of your own selfishness, your need to be your own woman, your hurt, your anger, your surprise, your broken hearts, your religious struggles, your desire for love,  the love you have for your kids, the feeling that you might just not be enough of what you need to be and all I can say is wow.

Wow.

The depth and breath of the human soul has been like a cloud swallowing me up and carrying me off this week. There are no words to describe the beauty of you, your soul, your hopes, your dreams, your desires, your intentions, and your struggles.

You are so beautiful to me. Each and everyone of you.

The possibilities of you are endless to me.

This summer Gustav presented me with an idea I haven't been able to shake, and I feel it a good thing to bring it up again. What if this earth is heaven? In thinking this, I have had to use my imagination and I see that I have the ability to see the world with different eyes. In my heaven I see love coming from the trees, love coming from the sky, love coming out of the light. I see love coming from everything around me. Even when we humans get sad or angry, behind these feelings I can see that they are also sending love.

With my new eyes, I've also started to see myself living a new life, a new dream--here is what it consists of:

~A life where I don't need to justify my existence and I am free to be who I really am.

~A life where I have permission to be happy and to really enjoy each moment, free of conflict with myself and others.

~ A life without fear of expressing my dreams.

~A life where I know what I want, what I don't want, and when I want it. I am free to change my life to the way I really want it. I am not afraid to ask for what I need, to say yes or no to anything or anyone.

~ A life without the fear of being judged by others. I no longer rule my behavior according to what others may think about me. I am no longer responsible for anyone's opinion. I have no need to control anyone, and no one controls me either.

~ A life without judging others. A life where I can easily forgive others and let go of the judgments that I have.

~A life where I don't need to be right and I don't need to make anyone else wrong (this one is more of a goal right now,  obviously).

~ A life where I respect myself and everyone else, and they respect me in return.

~ A life where I can live without the fear of loving and not being loved. A life where I am no longer afraid to be rejected, and I don't have the need to be accepted. I can say, "I love you" with no shame or justification. I can walk in the world with my heart completely open and not be afraid to be hurt.

This life is my heaven.

How is your life your heaven right now?

Thank you to each of you for sharing bits and pieces of your journey to heaven. Of the lives you are creating, of the good energy you are putting out there, of your constant love and acceptance of me and those around you. You are making this world into something I am proud to be apart of.

Song of my week: Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing"---download it now!

Giving Up the Dream?

Disclaimer** It is my prerogative to feel one way on Saturday and COMPLETELY different on MONDAY. Got it? Good.


This morning I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and so I did (only a few summer days left to be able to do this). My sheets are the color of a September sky and I let them rest on my face, forming a blue silhouette of my body, still as a corpse that's just been covered in a hospital. I could picture the nurse in her glowing white uniform, the sun shining behind her head as she walks up and covers me, saying "Yep, this one didn't make it."

For some reason I woke up wishing to be a "simple" Mormon girl again. By simple, I don't mean simple minded, I mean simply beautiful and believing and full of faith and hope (like Jenn's beautiful comment described yesterday!). Now, I still have all those qualities, but whereas before they were each beautifully laid out on the kitchen table of my life, it seems I have taken them, put them in a blender, pressed the liquify button, and now don't know how to tell one from the other. I'm not quite sure what kind of girl I am anymore, or what I really want to ask from life.

Two years ago my life was a lot more simple. I knew I wanted to marry an LDS man, in the LDS temple, and raise children who believed in all of these things and were strong and immovable in the faith and we would have beautiful time singing Primary hymns about Jesus. We would skip to various places in slow motion. My hair would always be perfectly combed. The sun would always shine. My husband's teeth would sparkle when he smiled. We would say family prayers, kneeling next to one another as I had grown up doing with my family. We would go to church each Sunday, in matching outfits (just kidding, I never wanted this, but I have seen it a lot). My daughters would get the Young Womanhood Recognition awards and my boys would be Eagle Scouts. I would serve in the Relief Society with a smile, and I would know how to grind wheat, and I would know how to bake homemade bread because it is healthier and better and cheaper. I would stay at home and teach my children to read before they went to Kindergarten. Goodness, maybe I would even home school and have children who were on a 9th grade reading level at only 10 years of age! All these things I could see clearly, and I really did want them.

I don't anymore. Not exactly these things.

My dreams are different now...a little more hazy, a little more self-aware. But the two things that have been constants are the dreams of wife and mother.

And I woke up this morning truly wondering if there comes a point in life where you just give up the dream. Does there come a point in a woman's life where she should just let it go? I mean, really! Should I just stop dating, stop trying? Stop putting myself out there again and again? I always told myself it would be when I turned 34. I don't know if I can hold on that long anymore.

It's hard to pose this question to my readers because most of you are married and you do have children and you can't picture your lives without either of those two factoring into the equation.

But, I am feeling old. I am not that old, I know. But today I feel old. And I feel tired. I am tired of carrying around this dream.


So, I've been thinking all morning "Wow, D'Arce, when are you just going to let it go? When are you going to realize this might not be YOUR path. When are you going to get the ball rolling on other things? Isn't it finally time to give up the dream of husband and family and realize it just might not be in the cards for you? Huh? Are you listening to me D'Arcy? When is enough finally going to be ENOUGH? You've been at it for OVER a decade!!!!!!!!!! When you just gonna give it up?"


So, does there come a time to give up one dream, replace it with another, and move on? Is it HUMANLY possible to ever give up that idea of finding the right person? How did it get SO ingrained in our genetic make-up?




P.S. It does not help that I have a bridal photo shoots scheduled for the next four weeks. Not at all.

Your Soul Mate*

(from a family photo shoot I did yesterday, check out the photo blog!)

*alternate title for this post would be "Your Soul Mate, Who Doesn't Exist, But Whom we Will Use as an Exercise in Creative Writing"


The best thing that I got from reading I Am America, And So Can You, was a letter from my soul mate. Right there, in the book. He was speaking just to me and made it so clear about why I haven't found him yet. I have been doing everything all wrong. But thanks to Stephen, I think I know how to find him. That's right, you heard me, my soul mate--Stephen Colbert style. While my last blog post was a bit on the heavy side, I have decided to lighten things up and talk about soul mates (save your ooohs and aaaahs for paragraph 4!) Colbert writes poetically, but more importantly, he writes truthfully on just what it takes to find your soul mate. He even has a letter written by your very own soul mate, yep, just for you (and me)!


Hey there. I am your soul mate, the one person on this earth who's perfect for you in every way. Yes, I exist, and yes, everyone else you've been with is a pale subsitute. We're meant to be together, but we've never met.

You see, there are 6 billion people in the world and you encounter at most about 1,000 people per day, so statistically our paths would cross only once every 16,500 years. if we're going to beat those odds you need to work harder, because so far you've done a spectacular job of messing this up.

Remember when you bought that pack of gum and the clerk asked if you wanted a bag, but you were in a rush so you said no? If you'd waited that extra three seconds you would have missed the next train, making you late for the play, so they wouldn't have let you in the theater until the first scene was over, and I would have entered the lobby--also late--and we'd have gotten to talking. We probably would have just skipped the play and gotten coffee and then...Pow! Fifty years of golden summers at the lake house.

Another example: Remember when you signed up for yoga class? You should have signed up for pottery class. I was taking a pottery class!! How hard is that to figure out? And don't just sign up for a pottery class next time, because I might have moved on to hip-hop cardio. I can't tell you exactly where I'll be because if you're really my soul mate you'll just know. Please just get it right!

I guess what I am saying is, next time you think about going to the museum today instead of tomorrow when I'll be there, ask yourself: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? Are you going to take the bus or are you going to walk? If you do walk and it's raining, how are you going to see me under my umbrella, unless I don't have one and you share yours, or I share mine and that's how we meet? So remember: Never leave the house without an umbrella...or with one. It's your choice. I think I explained pretty clearly what's at stake.

Are you reading this at a book store? I'm right behind you. Turn around!

Am I still there?

Gosh, you're a slow reader.

Point is, hanging over every decision you make, however small, is the sword of our loneliness. I am out there. Find me. But please hurry. I know we're meant to be together for eternity, but I can't wait forever.



So do you believe in Soul Mates??? (I want at least one yes, please, someone unjaded and unhurt by love find this blog and give me a good story that will restore all my faith in love and heal all the wounds that have been inflicted upon me!!! I am counting on YOU!)

How did you meet your husband or wife.... or soul mate--if they didn't fit into the first two categories? (Please, someone say they offered their umbrella in the rain, in England, and you both locked eyes and then you ended up talking for hours, and then you went and got coffee served to you by a British lady named Tilley!!! I am in a romantic mood, feed my poetic soul! Make it up if you have to...that's right, I said make up your soul mate and make up how you met. ***)



***I claim all rights and privileges to any and all stories posted and if I end up using one in a novel I am writing and I become rich you can in no way take me to court. I have approved this statement with my lawyer.




So, come on---any good stories out there?

Seeing With Eyes of Love

How do you see yourself? How do you love yourself? How do you feel about your body? Did you know that the relationship between you and your body can become one of the most beautiful relationships of your life? Our minds can be so cruel to our bodies, can't they? The mind usually says things like, "No, I don't like this part of my body. Look at my nose; I don't like my nose. My ears--they are too large. My legs are too short, or too long, or too whatever. But the secret is, your body is perfect the way it is. We all have some crazy misconceptions about what is right and wrong, what is good or bad, what is beautiful and ugly. They are just concepts, but we believe them, and we judge ourselves by them. We have an image of perfection in our mind and we expect our bodies to somehow try to meet this image and be a certain way...if it is not that way, then we think we are ugly and imperfect.

Look at what you think about your own body, do you love it and accept it, or do you hate it and reject it? If you accept your own body, than I think you can accept almost everyone, almost everything. If you reject your own body, what can people expect from you? Do you inwardly criticize others to make yourself feel better? I think accepting your own body is very important in your relationships with others. If you reject your own body, when you are sharing your love with your partner, you become shy. You think, "Look at my body. how can he love me when I have a body like this?" And in the process, you kind of reject yourself, and you assume that everyone else will reject you too for the same reasons.

To create a relationship that stands happily on solid ground, you have to love your body. You have to respect your body. You have to let your body be free to give, free to receive, without being shy, because shyness is nothing but fear.

You know, there is really no problem with being gorgeous. With thinking that you are the cat's meow. If you walk through a crowd of people (especially a crowd of Italian men in Florence) and they tell you, "Oh, you are beautiful!" and you can say, "Thank you, I know," and keep going- (which sounds really arrogant, but I am thinking more about the thoughts you have in your head when someone compliments you). Their compliments don't really make a difference in how you see yourself. However, it will make a difference if you don't believe that you are special and beautiful and wonderful. If you don't believe that and someone tells you you are beautiful, then you are going to say, "Am I really?" Their opinions can impress you, and draw you to them, and yes, in a street full of Italians, make you easy prey. You feel that you get worth from their words, instead of finding the worth inside yourself. You are going to believe that they are responsible for making you happy, which is a big-BIG relationship no-no.

What is important are not all those opinions from others, but your own opinions. You are beautiful no matter what your mind tells you. That is a fact. You don't have to do anything because you already have the beauty you need. To be beautiful you don't have any obligation to anyone. Others are free to see what they want to see. If others see you and judge you beautiful or not, if you are aware of your own beauty and accept your own beauty, their opinion doesn't affect you at all.

Beauty is really nothing but a concept, nothing but a belief. It can get to the point, which I sadly think that it is in our plastic-beauty-world, where you may base your power on that beauty. Time passes, and you see yourself getting old. Perhaps you are not as beautiful as you were from your point of view, and a younger woman comes along who is now the one who is "beautiful". Time for plastic surgery, to try and keep the power because we believe that our beauty is our power. Our own aging starts to hurt us. "My beauty is going away!! Will my man still love me if I am not as attractive? Now he can see other women who are more attractive than me."

We resist aging; we believe that because someone is old, it means she is not beautiful. This belief is so wrong. If you see a newborn baby, it is beautiful, perfect. An old person is also beautiful, every stage of life is precious and beautiful. The problem is the emotion we have in our eyes to perceive what is and what is not beautiful. We have all these judgments, all these programs that put limits on our own happiness, that push us to self-rejection and to reject other people also. Can you see how we play the drama? How we kind of set ourselves up for failure with all these beliefs?


Aging is something beautiful. Growing up is beautiful. You are what you believe you are. You are beautiful.

Do We Hoard Our Words?

Wedding season is upon me, I took these engagement pics on Saturday, see my photo blog for full, fun coverage.

I adore you, you're amazing, you delight me, I can't get enough of your company, wow, you are wearing those specs, your smile is radiant, you're hot, I cherish your friendship, I wish we could talk all night long, and most importantly.....I love you.


When was the last time you said these words without expecting anything in return?

When was the first time you told someone you loved them?

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

When you say, "I love you" do you expect something in return? Can you love someone without them loving you back? And without feeling bad about it? (and not in the teenage, unrequited love idea, because you are ALWAYS expecting something back...one day) If you are secure enough in your love for yourself, should you shout it to the world when you love someone? But we don't, at least, I don't. Not at all. I have NEVER told someone who I felt romantic feelings of love for that I "loved" them.....the closest I came was "liked"...and that's lame, because I did love him.

Here's a story:

I want you to imagine that you live on a planet where everyone has a skin disease. For two or three thousand years, the people on your planet have suffered the same disease: Their entire bodies are covered by wounds that are infected, and those wounds really hurt when you touch them. Of course, they believe this is a normal physiology of the skin. Even the medical books describe this disease as a normal condition. When the people are born, their skin is healthy, but around three or four years of age, the first wounds start to appear. By the time they are teenagers, there are wounds all over their bodies.

Can you imagine how these people are going to treat each other? In order to relate with one another, they have to protect their wounds. They hardly ever touch each other's skin because it is too painful. If by accident you touch someone's skin, it is so painful that right away she gets angry and touches your skin, just to get even. Still, the instinct to love is so strong that you pay a high price to have relationships with others.

Well, imagine that a miracle occurs one day. You awake and your skin is completely healed. There are no wounds anymore, and it doesn't hurt to be touched. Healthy skin you can touch feels wonderful because the skin was made for perception. Can you imagine yourself with healthy skin in a world where everyone has a skin disease? You cannot touch others because it hurts them, and no one touches you because they make the assumption that it will hurt you.

If you can imagine this, perhaps you can understand that someone from another planet who came to visit us would have a similar experience with humans. But it isn't our skin that is full of wounds. What the visitor would discover is that the human mind is sick with a disease called fear. Just like the description of the infected skin, the emotional body is full of wounds. The manifestation of the disease of fear is anger, hate, sadness, envy, and hypocrisy.

Humans live in a continuous fear of being hurt. Even saying "I love you" can be frightening. WHY???



Discussion on Love Number One (Steph, I am sorry all my post are about love, it can get icky, I get it!)

LOVE HAS NO EXPECTATIONS--FEAR IS FULL OF EXPECTATIONS

With fear we do things because we expect that we have to, and we expect that others are going to do the same. That is why fear hurts and love doesn't hurt. We expect something and if it doesn't happen, we feel hurt--it isn't fair. We blame others for not fulfilling our expectations. When we love, we don't have expectations; we do it because we want to. When we don't expect something to happen, if nothing happens, it's not important. We don't feel hurt, because whatever happens is okay. That is why hardly anything hurts us when we are in love; we aren't expecting that our lover will do something, and we have no obligations.

This is where I have always run into trouble, I think, when I start to fall in love with someone, and they present a certain side to me, I create other things that naturally would go with that person, and I almost create that person a little bit to fit my needs. Then I expect that person to meet the expectations that I have created, when it is not in that person at all to meet those needs.

That's why it is so important to be authentic with people. That's why it is so important to be responsible for your own happiness, your own self-love, and not need to search anywhere else to find it.

However, that being said, it is totally unexpected and delightful and amazing and hot and radiant when you are completely happy on your own, and you aren't needing someone else to fulfill your needs or adore you, but they do anyway.

An Artist of Love

If we are artists, if we are creators, then we can create our life with Love. That's my goal.

I am making it NO secret, I want to be really good at loving others. Whether it's the love of a dear friend, the love you give to a child, the love to a student, the love to someone you are serving, the love to someone who is serving you, the romantic love we all long for, and the love I have as a daughter and a sister and a hopeful, future mother...I want to be good at loving.

But does it ever get you down to see just how unloving we can be as humans? How many breakups have you been through, how many divorces have you seen, how many people being unkind to others, how many times have you been not so good at loving as you thought you should love. Why do relationships, any love relationships go sour? I am devoted to researching, reading, and discussing the subject on this blog this summer. I don't mean to point fingers at those of us who have broken up with a man or a woman for the fifteenth time, those of us who just went through our third divorce, those of us who don't have anyone to call a best friend right now. This is not about pointing fingers, this is about healing, and discovering how we are, and how we can make beautiful lasting connections. I have so much to say about this subject, and realize my entries might get too long to read, so I'll break them up into daily anecdotes and try to generate some good discussion. If loves in your life are working, please let us know your secrets, if you're worried you just might never get it right with someone, please commiserate with me here! And then, let's get excited for some summer lovin'!!

What I am discovering is that the opposite of love is fear. I will name these points for today, but in the upcoming days I will be going more into depth about what I am thinking on each of these subjects.

Some Facts About Love and Fear

~Love has no obligations. Fear is full of obligations.

~Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations.

~Love is based on respect. Fear doesn't respect anything, including itself.

~Love is ruthless (wait for the discussion on this one!); it doesn't feel sorry for anyone, but it does have compassion. Fear is full of pity; it feels sorry for everyone.

~Love is completely responsible. Fear avoids responsibility , but this doesn't mean that it's not responsible.

~Love is always kind. Fear is always unkind.

~Anger is nothing but fear with a mask. Sadness is fear with a mask. Jealousy is fear with a mask.

~Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions.

The Last 15 Years

This is me, for all y'all who didn't know.

I have been tagged by HappyWifeHappyLife (such a great name! Who can be sad with a name like that?) I was tagged not too long ago and you can read about it here...I don't know if I can top those stories, so I have my journals around, and thought I would take a few quotes from them.


~When I was sixteen years old, I discovered boys and went BoycrAzy!! I just opened up my journal from that year and found a letter I wrote "To My Future Husband" dated July 24, 1994, 9:43 p.m., Sunday (wow, I was super detail oriented, eh?) OK, I just read it and I actually can't bring myself to quote any of it on here, just know that it exists!

~On February 15, 1996 I fell in love for the first time. Journal reads like this: "I am in love!!! Oui, c'est l'amour! I'm smitten with one (name left out to protect the dear fellow and his wife, and probably his 5 children)." I was in love with this guy from February 1996 until October 1999...it was that apple pie, straight from the tin kind o' love. I still miss him on quiet evenings.

~On September 18, 1997 I moved to Paris. I started out my journal thus: "It is hard to find a perfect and suitable beginning for a journal of this magnitude. I face the challenge of putting a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity into mere words."

~On May 25, 1999 I was in an elevator when I realized my life was full of endless possibilities: "I was in the elevator going to work. I was all alone, in the corner, and I looked around me and there I was, in a small, insignificant box. I was boxed in. That's how my life has felt lately, yet I can choose to change it. By pushing a simple button within myself, I could choose from among many floors, each offering something different, something new. Just push a tiny button and the door will open. I only have to choose."

~May 26, 2002: "They say East is our Future and the West is our past...I have moved east. Today is May 26, 2002. I am a college graduate now. I live in Florida now. I got a full time job. I just traveled the country. And I am feeling love for someone again. I still have all the same things bubbling up inside of me...love, hopes, dreams, adventures."

~In September of 2004 I moved to Harlem, began studies at NYU all because of Eleanor Roosevelt. She said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

~On September 14, 2006 I discovered that I wasn't going to have the skin of a 18 year old forever! "My nightly ritual of putting anti-wrinkle cream on my face is the only thing that ever makes me ponder my wrinkles. Is that what you would call Irony?"

~And finally, last week while I was in the mountains I wrote this: June 12, 2008 "The summer has started--cool and crisp and full of possibilities--possibilities for new friendships, new romance, new love, new laughter, new travels, new thoughts, new new.

Life is good. I can't WAIT to see what the next 15 years brings my way!! Whahoooooo!!!

All You Need is Love

In keeping the love theme going, I captured this image last week...the couple didn't know, but I am so excited to show them this picture. It makes me smile deeply. I love it most especially because the fingers of each hand are outstretched, and one second after I captured the image, the fingers curled around each other in a comfortable way that familiarity gives. That's one reason I love taking pictures, in some small way, as we snap a camera, we are capturing once in a lifetime moments. And looking back on them, at least for me, helps me appreciate life and feel a deep gratitude for all I have been given...even if it's only tiny moments like this.