I went to my new ward for the first time yesterday. I had so many hopes that it might be a place for more discussion and talking and more open than the ward I have been. Was it ridiculous of me to have these feelings?
I'm trying to justify my experience in some way....maybe I came on an off day or maybe it was more my attitude (most likely). But there were ten girls and two boys in the GD class and the girls all went off on how it is harder to do our callings because we are single and if we get the chance to have a date we are going to take that and not do our responsibility. Um, wow! Can I please use that excuse for everything I don't accomplish in my iife? As singles are we really that shallow? Do we live and crave the next date so much so that every other thing we are meant to do goes out the window? Ok, I know, I am ranting....I am being unfair, but come on! Do I really want to hear this stuff every Sunday? No. Am I so tired of church coming down to the fact that I am single, so something is wrong with me? Yes.
Then another girl went off on how if we don't do our callings then the blood of all those we could have helped will be on our heads forever. I raised my hand and said that was a scare tactic. That doing our callings because we are afraid of the consequences of NOT doing them is not the right attitude. Also that we shouldn't think so highly of ourselves. The Lord will take care of his church, he has shown that time and time again, and if we are not ready and willing to step in and do something he has called us to do, then he will call someone else. Callings are more to benefit us individually and help us work together as a community than to be worried about the act of saving people. The teacher got completely offended and baffled at my comment and was quite upset. The rest of the group just looked at me as if "my whole body were covered in scales."
Not too bad, probably, but I am really, really, really tired of doing things that aren't in my heart because I am afraid of God and because I feel guilt. I am really, really, really tired of doing things out of guilt instead of doing them for the right reasons. I am tired of living according to some type of scare tactic. In fact, I am scared right now to even write this because many people who leave comments on this blog are not going to understand where I am coming from. They are going to want me to make decisons that conform to the decisions they are making and to the decisions they feel I should be making. But I am really tired of doing that lately. So, hopefully you will still be my friends, even if you feel the path I am choosing for my life right now is not quite what you think it should be.
I have taken a month off of church and it was nice, after yesterday, I just don't think I am ready to go back yet. And yes, I realize, the more I don't go, you say the easier it is not to go. But if I don't want to go, then I am not going to go. Somehow having that option, as a friend told me this morning, makes going an even better feeling, because I am going for the right reasons.