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How Should We Promote Abstinence

The Exponent

So many wonderful things are happening in my life on a day to day basis that it's hard to sometimes sit back and take it all in...but I'm trying!

One of the highlights has been an invitation to be a permanent contributor to the online forum of the Exponent II magazine. 

I got SUCH a thrill today to see my name and photo on the site (take a look! just scroll down to the end of the list of contributors and you'll see me!). I'm part of something I love and believe in and that is valuable for women everywhere!

Here's a description:

We have begun this blog in an effort to support the Exponent IImagazine, which for years has provided a forum for Mormon women to openly and compassionately share their diverse experiences with each other. Begun in 1974 in the midst of the women’s movement, this independent Mormon women’s magazine continues to feature personal essays which often highlight women’s concerns.

As the Exponent II website states, “The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and shape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and our commitment to women. We publish Exponent II as a living history in celebration of the strength and diversity of women.”

Just as Exponent II frequently quoted and republished original articles from The Women’s Exponent, this blog will frequently feature seminal articles from the Exponent II. We hope that LDS women and Exponent II readers will share their insights and reactions so that we might empower each other through our diverse experiences.

Washing Feet

Yesterday, I found myself talking about my mission. For those of you who have heard anything at all about my mission, you know it was fraught with crazy people, wild tales, hard work, and unbelievable events. I can entertain a whole room of people just with stories of cockroaches and animals wearing clothes and companions who cried and hid in closets and couldn't read and were deaf and are now in mental institutions....

But the part about my mission that I always forget to talk about, because it's just not as entertaining, is the part where I learned to serve and love and care for people. It's also the part where I learned the power of Jesus Christ. When I was on my mission my own personal goal was to metaphorically wash the feet of those around me. I bought a print of the painting above my first week out on my mission and kept a print of it in every apartment that I lived in as I moved to various parts of Florida.

I've had a few thoughts this morning about Jesus and Easter and religion and service.  And most of them are echoed by a friend of mine, Maithri. He is a doctor living in Australia, but traveling to Swaziland to give aid and help where he can. He truly knows all about washing of the feet. This morning I want to share his words with you.

Throughout my life I have fought not only for tolerance, but for the celebration of all faiths and belief systems. To reap the harvest of our diverse understandings of love has always seemed to me to be part of the excitement, the joy of living.

My friends are muslim and hindu, jew and pagan, atheist and agnostic. I see no belief system as exalted. No way as the 'right' way. Merely a thousand painted ways of presenting the same universal truths.

Still the stories of Jesus' love, have always spoken deeply to my heart.

I fear that his ideals of unbounded, inclusive, universal love have been warped and tortured by small fearful minds trapped within cages of literalism and spiritual arrogance.

For me, at its core, his teachings were and always have been about deep humility and non judgement.

I see him washing the feet of the poor, the outcast, the reviled. I see him walking with leper and prostitute, thief and liar. And I think to myself "I wanna love like that."

Here in Swaziland, a day feels like a year. I ride the rollercoaster of deep despair and wild gratitude and celebration for the smallest act of kindness.

This morning before I headed out to see an old grandmother who was unable to leave her bed, I saw two Swazi women talking.

One said to the other "I know you are going through such deep sorrow CiCi (sister). I will take it all to God tonight and lay it under his cross."

Jesus is dying here in Swaziland and throughout the developing world. Covered in sores and kaposi sarcoma. He is a little girl being raped by her drunken father. Two little boys who are weeping at the freshly dug grave of their mother. He is the outcast. The forgotten. The hated and unloved.

Tommorrow is Good Friday.

We have organised a meal for 50 orphans at the Makhewu carepoint. Cooking starts at 7am. The party starts at 12.

I think there are more than enough 'religious' people in the world. Enough judgement and arrogance and exclusiveness.

I dont want to be religious. I dont even want to be a Christian.

All I want to do is take a bowl of water and wash the feet of my brother, my sister in pain.

To love them.

Not because I am 'special' or 'chosen' but because we are one.

As I try to find where my religious beliefs are at this time, I find myself wanting to avoid all labels. I don't know if I'm a Christian anymore, I really don't, and that phrase seems to scare people. But I do know that I can look to Jesus as a teacher and I can embrace the powerful love that he showed to everyone, and by living a life of washing the feet of my brothers and sisters is just about the best life that you can live.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

P.S. --How adorable is my little niece in her new Easter dress (that I got at Old Navy for only $10!!! ) And the headband she is wearing was found in my drawer. I bought it in Brazil from a lady who was making them on the side of the road to feed her family. You can see more photos from our Easter shoot at my photo blog.

Family, Isn't it About Time?

So, an interesting thing happened today. My mother just called in almost a fit of tears and sadness. Apparently, my sister called her and told her that my blog is covered with pornography (which I find quite entertaining/disturbing on several levels). My sister also told my mother that I was bashing the church, the 12 Apostles, and that I used the F-word every other word. I am not kidding, this is EXACTLY what my mother said to me. Now, given my families penchant for drama, I'll believe that my sister said about half of that.

My mom and my sister. They've never read my blog actually. I really only know of a cousin or two who occasionally checks it. Other than that, no one in the immediate fam besides April. Thus my freedom to discuss and talk and not worry about any repercussions.

So, back to this moment...my sister just printed out my last blog to give to my mother who doesn't know how to use the internet very well. They know I've not been active, but I've never given too many reasons because I know that they wouldn't understand. My mom in a fit of tears and frustration, just dramatically shouting "But why?! Why would you want the priesthood?! Why?!!!!"

It is the easiest thing for me to say, "Well, women need the priesthood." Because to me it sums up much of what I feel and see in the church about the patriarchy. Maybe I don't REALLY want the priesthood per se, but I do want more. I don't know how to voice that I feel hurt in a religion that doesn't hurt them, that I feel confused by a religion that doesn't confuse them, that I feel put down and trod upon and used and slapped, and lied to by a religion that has lifted, helped and loved them. And it does not help that they know very little about the actual true church history and the deeper doctrines, in response to this my mom said, "Well, I have more important things to do everyday." So, again, it's hard to get my point across with this type of "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude.


My mom confessed that she feels I am falling away from the family. With my family I don't mention a lot of ideas because I know no one will converse with me about them or even understand them. I am happy, simple, kind, the peacemaker, and when my mom or sister say things that I utterly can't agree with, i just smile and nod. I know, hard to picture me like that. But truly, it's the Pollyanna image I've cultivated for years as an active LDS/return missionary.

I've seen my family about 5 times in the last two weeks, so I'm not falling away per se, but I did finally confess to my mother something as well.

"Well, Mom, you don't really know me."

And then there was silence. And neither of us knew exactly what to say....


So she went on to tell me that Obama was the Lenin of our time, the Hitler and the Anti-Christ all in one.

Way to find some common footing mom.


But mom, as you read this, just think. Think about it. You've raised a daughter who is happy and accomplished, a daughter who seeks to do good and spends her days teaching children to think important thoughts. You've raised a daughter who has loved and traveled the world and embraced everyone...no matter color or creed with love and acceptance. You've raised a daughter in tune with her spirituality, a daughter who thinks on her own, a daughter who lives authentically and not how anyone else wants her to live. You've raised a daughter who is true to herself, who loves her family, who loves God, who is trying to do her best. Really, mom, just remember, you've done a good job with me. So, sit back, take a deep breath, and let's try to get to know each other, ok.

Am I Pornography??

(This was taken from a post over at Zelophehad's Daughters...some awesome, rocking ex-mormon/mormon feminists!)

A major voice in the LDS church recently said, 

“And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” (Elder Oaks, April Conference 2005)

To me, this quote raises a troubling, unsettling issue for me as a woman. I don't really know exactly how to voice it, but I'm gonna try.

Elder Oaks centers his ideas around very specific gender roles. Men are the ones who are continuously subject to their sexual urges and women are the ones who hold the power to control men's sexual urges.

To Elder Oaks’s credit he does qualify his statement, not alleging that women are themselves inherent pieces of pornography under all their clothes, but only that they become pornography to some men. Yet, I still find myself completely troubled by this statement in general. 

Does the focal point of pornography reside more in the object instead of in the action of gazing? I mean, isn't the definition of pornography that of an image viewed in a particular way, and not a particular person?

I could pose the question, what exactly is wrong with pornography? Is it ok in moderation? Is some pornography, that of various photos better than full on videos depicting random and wild acts of sex?

I think the real problem is the complete and utter objectification of other people that pornography tends to promote. People (women mostly) soon become viewed as tools capable of satisfying the viewers own desires rather than seen as actual people with desires of their own.

Is pornography the opposite of charity? Of selflessness? Of purity? 

In the above statement, however, women’s subjectivity has been conveniently elided. Men are potential consumers of pornography, where women are potential creators (even unwittingly); thus, men’s obligation is to eschew viewing pornographic material where women’s obligation is to eschew becoming pornographic material. Men are sexual subjects where women are sexual objects.

In short, by framing his discussion in this manner, Elder Oaks has replicated and perpetuated the very dynamic which is problematic about pornography to begin with.

Too bad.

For discussion fun:

I've dated several men this past year and most of them, in fact, all but one, admitted to watching pornography in some form or another. Do you think this is just a right of passage, a normal part of everyday life? Is it something we need to learn to accept rather than condemn? Or is it something, as women, we should shun and leave room for a NO EXCEPTIONS type policy?

Also:

I was recently rereading Persepolis and there is a part when the women have to go back to wearing the veil because their hair is seen as too much temptation for the men in their country. That, in fact, they were walking pornography when they had their hair showing. I am concerned, honestly, that in some respects, the LDS religion seems to be embracing this idea and leaving the residual feeling in the hearts of women that THEY are part of the problem.

Utah is Number One

Utah is NUMBER ONE in anti-depression consumption. Yee-haw!

Psychiatrists point to several factors that could contribute to Utah's high levels of depression: limited mental health resources, restricted access to treatment as a result of cost, poor quality of resources and a varied list of other factors, including an under funded educational system and a culture deeply rooted in the Mormon faith.

"In Mormon culture females are supposed accept a calling. They are to be constantly smiling over their family of five. They are supposed to take supper across the street to an ill neighbor and then put up with their husband when he comes home from work and smile about it the whole time. There is this sense that Mrs. Jones down street is doing the same thing, and there is this undercurrent of competition. To be a good mother and wife, women have to put on this mask of perfection. They can't show their tears, depression or agony," Canning said.

"Obedience, conformity and maintaining a sense of harmony" are unspoken but widely recognized behaviors, which all contribute to what he calls "the Mother of Zion syndrome."

Salt Lake City is rated the most VAIN city. Three Cheers!!

Yep, not New York or Miami or L.A...but little ole' humdrum SLC. 

SLC earned this distinction, in part, because there are at least 45 plastic surgeons practicing in Salt Lake City, or six per 100,000 people, according to Forbes. Part of our bounty could be attributed to the University of Utah's School of Medicine, which offers residencies in plastic and reconstructive surgery.

The other part of the ranking had to do with our at-home beauty regimens. In the last year, locals spent more than $2.2 million on hair coloring, $116,478 on hair growth products, more than $2.5 million on facial cosmetics and more than $4.4 million on skin-care products. Our spending exceeded that of similar-size cities.

Oklahoma City, for instance, spent only $172,080 on hair coloring, $9,323 on hair growth products, $190,820 on facial cosmetics and more than $400,000 on skin-care products, according to Information Resources, a research company that tracks cosmetic and toiletries sales.

What does this say about us? That we care a million (or two) more times about what we look like than the people in Oklahoma City? Or, as the article suggests, are we vain? Or do we just place a premium on looking good? OR ARE WE ALL JUST FU**ING INSECURE?!? Hmmm....


And finally, our proudest moment?

Utah NUMBER ONE in online porn subscriptions! Whoot! Whoot!
And friends...I gotta lot to say about this one...but that's it's own post!

May I politely ask this religious state what in the world is going on? Does an emphasis on perfection lead to horrible insecurities? Does an emphasis on chastity and loving, lasting relationships cause the porn subscriptions to sky rocket? Are we all just awkward and backwards? Seriously, what is going on?

Latter-Day Saints Part II

This morning I woke up with a desire to focus on WHAT REALLY MATTERS. It comes mostly after reading the blog of a man I hope to one day call a friend. He is a doctor helping each day to inform, educate, help, and love. I'll be doing a post about him tomorrow. But today, I wanted to focus on what really matters about my LDS faith.

The LDS church participates in Humanitarian service across the globe, in vast ways, to far away lands, and all in the spirit of love.

So many people in my life have taught me the value of serving and loving. 

Whether it be from one of the latest campaign of 54,784 Latter-day Saint volunteers, the Church has contributed to measles campaigns in 28 countries. In total, 189,261,345 children have been vaccinated in the campaigns where Church members participated, according to Church Welfare Services.

And the effort is saving lives.

Worldwide deaths from measles were 242,000 in 2006, down from nearly 900,000 in 1999. The goal of the Measles Vaccination Initiative is to bring the mortality rate to fewer than 100,000 by 2010, said Dr. Peter Strebel of the World Health Organization.

OR

My old Bishop went to Kenya to build a school. He took thousands of dollars of his own money to help teach and educate a village. He brought the young kids clothes to wear and school uniforms. He built desks side by side with the men of the village, giving them the tools to do so. He is, to this day, one of the most giving and charitable people that I know. THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

OR

When April was living in Paris, she got into a horrible car accident. She was far from home, had no one around and the people of the church cared for her. They loved her. They went with her to the hospital, stayed by her side, helped her to pack and safely took her to the airport so she could come home. They were their for her each step of the way, giving her blessings, giving her love and care and THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

OR

The countless times I have been in strange lands and foreign countries and I have felt comfort in knowing I had an immediate community across the globe of people who would be willing to help me and care for me. Even with Michelle and I got stuck in Argentina in September (curse you hurricane IKE!) We had seen the temple as we were driving into Buenos Aires and we knew that if our resources ran out, we could go there and they would help us. Some member would give us a place to stay. Someone would give us a ride to the airport. We could really count on that and I think THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

OR

The amazing woman who lives in my sister's Ward who went to Africa on a mission for two years and taught the women of a certain village how to sew. She brought them sewing machines and material and taught them how to make these beautiful African baby dolls. These dolls are becoming well known. They are 25 dollars each and that is the pricetag on one year of education for a child. I bought my nieces one for Christmas. I spoke with the woman and she told me of the great pride these ladies in Africa have at actually being able to work for their children to go to school. No one likes a handout, but honest work, THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

TO FINALLY

Latter-day Saint Charities
To help carry out Church humanitarian efforts, Latter-day Saint Charities was created in 1996. Latter-day Saint Charities is a private 501(c)(3) nonprofit charitable agency registered in many countries.

Latter-day Saint Charities is a member of InterAction, the largest alliance of U.S.-based international development and humanitarian nongovernmental organizations.

There are just too many examples from around the globe to my personal life to really put them out here. But I do believe that most people are just trying to do the best that they can each and every day.

Latter-Day Saints

Disclaimers:

1. I'm Tired.
2. When I'm tired I don't like strangers dropping by wanting to know why I'm not going to church.


When is enough REALLY enough? How many times do I keep rejecting people until the point is made (or a new Relief Society presidency is called or another person feels moved to contact me)? Last night, in the midst of a crazy week, dinner, emailing, and planning my two competions that I have this week-- two members of the RS presidency showed up, unannounced at my door and wanted entrance.

This comes after finally getting rid of my Visiting Teachers after repeatedly telling them I didn't want any contact (which they still did) and then I basically called the church and told them to NOT send them anymore. They finally got the hint. This comes after calls from the bishop's clerk for several weeks to set up an interview with me (no way in hell that that is going to happen, by the way). This comes after countless phone calls from Home Teachers and one horrific experience where I almost made the sister missionaries cry (I told them that I would return to church "As soon as women could hold the priesthood." Oh yeah, and I wouldn't let them in my house either, and they seemed very distraught as they walked away with heads hanging low).

The beauty of it all? I know EXACTLY what they are doing, their tactics, the strategies, the commitment pattern, the hope they feel, the idea that their message and friendship will save me and everything else shining through their eyes that look upon my sinful, hardened, removed-from-all-that-is-holy soul. I also, conflictingly so, know the complete sincerety with which they are fellowshipping me, because much of the time that I was in their shoes, I felt motivated by love.

Yep. I know. I've knocked on several doors of people like me. Karma has come back to fully bite me in the ass. Huzzah for Karma.

Here's how it went:

knock, knock

Me: Please don't be people from the church, it seems that whenever someone unexpected knocks on my door, it's someone from the church.

opening of door

two smiling faces

Me: Shit, church people.

Church Girl #: Hi! Are you D'Arcy or April?

Me: I'm D'Arcy


Church Girl #2: Oh my gosh, D'Arcy we've wanted to meet you for so long. We just keep seeing your name on the roles and that apostrophe is so cool.


Me: Yep, apostrophes are cool.


Church Girl #1: So hi, I'm Church Girl #1 and this is Church Girl #2 and we're from the Relief Society and we were hoping we could come in and talk to you.


Me: Actually, no. (I used to say, "no, thank you", but like I said, it's already been a long week).


Church Girl #2: (face falls, she looks truly sad) Oh, may I ask why. I know I don't know you, but can you tell me why you won't come to church?


Church Girl #1 (equally sad face) Yeah, is it like the people or the doctrine?


Me: It's doctrinal. The people are great. You guys seem great. Thanks for stopping by. (This isn't really true, I mean most of my issues are doctrinal, but the culture of the people is hard to take too. I go to shut the door)


Church Girl #1: (pleadingly) Oh, well you know. I could probably answer any questions you may have.


note to self, CG #1 looks all of 21 and CG #2 looks all of 18. Hmmm, could they REALLY answer my questions. During my active 30 years I read voraciously on church history, doctrine, commenteries, not to mention all of the standard works a few times (ok, Old Testment all the way through only twice, but I've read the Book of Mormon in depth over 30 times {2-3 times a year since I was 15}) I was the girl in the MTC that was called "Sister Scholar", I've been the one in my family that people always went to for clarity or history or fun facts about Prophets! (and boy do they get fun!) I was the one who went to the temple at least monthly if not more. And wow, here it was, the person who could answer my questions. I know she didn't mean to sound condescending, but with the journey I have had with religion, it sounded pretty condescending. (Especially because I think the assumption is that single people who tend to go inactive, do so because of laziness).

(FYI: I am sure, postive really, that I perfectly understand the spirit in which these girls MEANT to "help" me. But after so many attempts, I've finally gotten riled up enough to blog about it.)

I just said, "No, thank you." and shut the door.

In discussing this with a friend that night, he suggested a more delightful way in dealing with them would be to give them a challenge.
Have them define "sexism"
Then have them define "patriarchy"
Then have them give at least three examples of a "sexist" events.
Then have them give at least three examples of "patriarchal" events.
Then have them design a structure that is truly sexist and truly patriarchal.
Then have them compare that with the LDS church structure.
Then point MIGHT be made?

Sadly, I guess that goes for almost EVERY religion in the world and the LDS church is no exception.

I just wished that the LDS church WERE the exception, then I'd be able to let them into my home.

Joyeux Noel

April, Dottie, and I decorated the tree on Sunday. 

I've had these same decorations for 12 years--hard to believe! I am big on tradition.

"There is a deep malaise in society. We can send email and faxes anywhere in the world, we have pagers and cellular phones, and yet in our families and neighborhoods we do not speak to each other. We need roots to be able to stand straight and grow strong. When we respect our blood ancestors and our spiritual ancestors, we feel rooted. If we can find ways to cherish and develop our heritage, we will avoid the kind of alienation that is destroying society, we will become whole again."

I have a crazy collection of ragtag ornaments that I have collected from all over the world.

 Here is my Shakespeare from Stratford-Upon-Avon and my Big Ben from London.

"True love needs mindfulness. We have to take the time to acknowledge the presence of the person we love. "Darling, I know you are there, and I am happy." This cannot be done if we can't free ourselves from our preoccupations and our forgetfulness. In order to acknowledge the presence of our beloved one, we have to offer our own true presence. Without the practice of establishing ourselves in the here and the now, this seems impossible. Mindful time spent with the person we love is the fullest expression of true love and real generosity."

"In the Psalms, it says "Be still and know that I am God." "Be still" means to become peaceful and concentrated. The Buddhist term is samatha (stopping, calming, concentrating). "Know" means to acquire wisdom, insight, or understanding. The Buddhist term is vipasyana (insight, or looking deeply). "Looking deeply" means observing something or someone with so much concentration that the distinction between observer and observed disappears. The result is insight into the true nature of the object."

Here are George and Martha Washington. I got them from a Mount Vernon road trip with April.

"Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. To me, this is the most essential practice of peace."

Our finished project.

Happy Christmas Season Everyone! While our world is in tumult, mabye we can find ways to foster peace and calm in our lives and in the lives of those around us. Much Love.

**Quotes from Living Buddha, Living Christ

Why I Love My Religion

I've been questioning. I've been doubting. I've felt anger. I've felt sadness. And as I have explored my issues with my faith, I realize that I haven't painted many of my fellow LDS brothers and sisters in the best light. I've decided that you are adults, you read my blog, you know I vent, and that we all have our issues. However, I would be greatly saddened if you, by any means, thought that the few people I may discuss are by any means the norm.

There are so many reasons WHY I love my religion. And I want to share a few of them with each of you. It has been a singular experience to grow up in a faith that probably remains one of the most misunderstood religions in the world. I've been condemned and spit upon (literally!!) and hated and mocked because I am a "Mormon". It amazes me how the false beliefs surrounding my religion keep propagating across the country, and people still look with a weary eye towards the LDS Mecca of Utah.

So, let's clear a few things up. I'd like to address some of the major questions I've been asked.

1. Are LDS people Christian??? Ok, if you have had this question, can I ask why? The name of the church is "The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints". We worship Jesus, we end our prayers in the name of Jesus, we teach Jesus from the bible..WE LOVE Jesus. And yet, even when I say this, people still doubt. I do NOT get this one.

2. How many wives does your dad have? (followed by cocky laughter) Um, what in the world? Yeah, I guess the church will never escape its long ago history with Polygamy, but it ended. It's over. It's done with. Got it??  As a member, I've done extensive research as to WHY the church implemented polygamy at the time, I won't go into here, but if you are interested in knowing, let me know. But, for a LONG time now, no polygamy has been practiced. Yes, there are some crazy extremist that may try to associate themselves with our church, but they just AREN'T a part of it. So, any questions? Don't ask a mormon this, it's rude, it's ignorant, it's offensive. Just know that they are NOT! Got it?

3. LDS people MUST have lots of BABIES. This isn't true. Now, it is true that the family is the center of the church and it is REALLY important and kids are good. But NO ONE forces people to have children. God doesn't get mad at you if you don't. It's not a law, it's a stereotype, just like many faiths, LDS families come in all shapes and sizes.

4. We promise not to convert you!!! Yes, while the LDS church has distinct missionaries across the world, they, by no means, seek to convert everyone who they meet. You don't need to worry about them, just treat them like regular people. The thing is, like you in your faith, it IS good to share ideas. And when you find extreme joy in something, it's natural to want to share it. But by no means will friendships formed with LDS people be based on your willingness to listen to their religion.

5. You don't want some alcohol??? Yes. LDS people don't drink (and they would rather be called LDS than Mormon) Funny, when I used to tell people that I didn't drink...they would naturallly mock..."are you like a Mormon or something?" And yes, I am. When they found this out, they would usually give me a hard time about it. They would make sheep noises and joke around and try to pressure the drinking.  Now that I actually tried drinking and feel like it's just not my scene, so I say I just don't like it, or it isn't healthy for my body, and nobody bats an eyelash. Funny how you do things in the name of "health" it's fine. But do it in the name of "religion" and you're a lemming.

Hmmm...I am trying to think of other questions. Do you guys have any? Can you members of the church think of a time when you were wrongfully stereotyped?


Now, the church, to me, has SO much good. I might not be able to blog about it all here, so I'll just mention a few. I will quote from a fellow LDS member:

1. Spirituality. The LDS Church provides a forum for nurturing spirituality. Humans innately crave a sense of mystery, wonder, and spirituality. Without it, they often cease to feel motivated to continue striving for truth, beauty, justice and excellence. I acknowledge that neither religion generally, nor Mormonism specifically, holds a monopoly on spirituality. But in my experience, the LDS Church is one viable place to find spiritual experiences

2. Community. The LDS Church provides community. Strong social bonds are irreplaceable for healthy living, and a well-functioning LDS ward does an amazingly good job at helping large groups of people build meaningful, enduring relationships in a relatively short period of time. .

3. Family. It is THE most important thing!

4. Clean living. The LDS Church serves as a strong advocate for clean living, family focus, and Christlike community service. I acknowledge that the church doesn't always live up to the standards it sets -- but in my experience, sincere, devout Mormons are consistently identified worldwide as living generally honorable, compassionate, respectable lives. At their core, in spite of all their idiosyncrasies, Mormons are good people. Myself and many others, have benefited tremendously by our association with them.

5. Much of the doctrine. For many, Mormon-specific doctrines -- like the ideas of eternal families are some of the most beautiful existing in religious theology today.

AND DESPITE WHAT MANY IN THE WORLD MAY THINK RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE ACTUALLY QUITE A LOT OF US WHO BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE EQUALITY. WE BELIEVE IN IT SO MUCH, WE EVEN HAVE OUR OWN WEBSITE-- MORMONS FOR MARRIAGE

Wouldn't it be nice if all the bias, all the preconceived notions, all the hatred and misunderstandings could just fall away and we could each just see each other in a spirit of love and acceptance. Yeah, that sounds like heaven to me.


Here is a short video clip that had a big time affect on me as a young girl growing up! Enjoy.

The Sacrament of Penance

Many religions, throughout history, have required the confession. When a member of a the Catholic faith or LDS faith commit larger sins, they are required to confess these sins to one in authority. The person is generally male (in the LDS religion it is ALWAYS a man) and this person is supposed to act as an agent of God to work on getting the person forgiven. I am not sure how the confession process works in other religions, like Baptist or Methodist. Is there a method of confessing?


Confession is called the "Sacrament of Penance" as:
1. the recipient must be truly repentant of their sins
2. be determined to avoid these sins in the future
3. be willing to make reparations to any parties injured

I believe that confession has been used for hundreds of years as a way to protect and enforce orthodox belief and practice. And the churches today have several methods for insuring adherence to orthodox belief-- excommunications, ecclesiastical courts, public expiation...and I have been wondering this week if this is simply cultivating within us a culture of guilt.

A question I have been thinking about this week is "why confess to a man you may not know, instead of to God directly?"

And what is the purpose of confession?

Have you found that when you confess something you feel better? Is a weight lifted? Does it purge your soul?

A dear friend of mine and I have been on similar paths this year. She has fallen away from the strict rules of the LDS church as much as I have. However, we differ in VERY large ways. I don't believe in these strict rules anymore and thus, I don't believe I am sinning (and I am not even sure how I feel about the way the word sin and especially SINNER is used so commonly in religion today). While I feel completely happy in my life, she has been tormented in her soul. While I have been wondering why I don't feel riddled with guilt (as I did for much of my life any time I thought I had done anything "wrong"). She has been sobbing and beating herself up and dying a little inside each day.

So last night she decided to confess to her Bishop. I found this whole process, a process I have engaged in before, completely insane. Why does some older man I have NEVER talked to or interacted with, a man who doesn't know me or doesn't know my situation...why does he have the right to tell me whether or not I should feel good or bad about myself?

Do these spiritual leaders really have the authority to tell you your standing with God?

She is a grown woman of 31. She has made wise decisions her whole life. She has hurt no one. She is one of the most beautiful and sensitive people I know. And yet, because she isn't meeting the standards she has been taught, she has felt lower than Gregor Samsa after he turned into the bug! (sorry, I just reread The Metamorphosis). After her confession she called me crying. I don't want to go into the details of how the LDS church deals with certain things, because I feel at this point in my emotions I could only paint it in a negative light. But let's just say I was less than pleased with what she told me had transpired.

Is confession merely something created by men to exercise some form of control over the masses (do this and this and you will be granted this reward)? Does is simply play into creating a religious hierarchy (it's actually quite similar to the old feudal systems)? It was often used as a method for discovering and eradicating heresy, is it so today?

Does is have any value?

I honestly don't know. I've been raised to believe that you must confess and forsake your sins to get to heaven.


I'd like to know if any of you have thought about this?

All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing....

It's been a week. I have thought of things I could blog about daily...Sarah Palin, my undying love for Jon Stewart, Modernization and where it is getting us, suffering throughout the world, the happiness of the weddings I photographed this weekend, Ingrid Michaelson's new singles, flying standby, and yes, those longed for empanadas....but I'm not going to tackle anything trivial or controversial today, instead, I want to talk about you.

That's right, the beauty of you.

This week I've realized something that I have always known....a lot of us are in need of healing, a lot of us are really hard on ourselves, a lot of us demand perfection, a lot of us aren't so kind to ourselves, a lot of us have a hard time living in the present moment, a lot of us get weighed down by the cruelties around us, and a lot of us are lacking the love we need...even if just a little bit.

My google reader was at 219 when I got back from Buenos Aires, today it's down to 16. I've been reading about your lives a lot. I've been seeing your paintings about flygirl, your experiences in the dirt, your causes for preserving the land, your fights to see yourself as beautiful, your acknowledgment of your own selfishness, your need to be your own woman, your hurt, your anger, your surprise, your broken hearts, your religious struggles, your desire for love,  the love you have for your kids, the feeling that you might just not be enough of what you need to be and all I can say is wow.

Wow.

The depth and breath of the human soul has been like a cloud swallowing me up and carrying me off this week. There are no words to describe the beauty of you, your soul, your hopes, your dreams, your desires, your intentions, and your struggles.

You are so beautiful to me. Each and everyone of you.

The possibilities of you are endless to me.

This summer Gustav presented me with an idea I haven't been able to shake, and I feel it a good thing to bring it up again. What if this earth is heaven? In thinking this, I have had to use my imagination and I see that I have the ability to see the world with different eyes. In my heaven I see love coming from the trees, love coming from the sky, love coming out of the light. I see love coming from everything around me. Even when we humans get sad or angry, behind these feelings I can see that they are also sending love.

With my new eyes, I've also started to see myself living a new life, a new dream--here is what it consists of:

~A life where I don't need to justify my existence and I am free to be who I really am.

~A life where I have permission to be happy and to really enjoy each moment, free of conflict with myself and others.

~ A life without fear of expressing my dreams.

~A life where I know what I want, what I don't want, and when I want it. I am free to change my life to the way I really want it. I am not afraid to ask for what I need, to say yes or no to anything or anyone.

~ A life without the fear of being judged by others. I no longer rule my behavior according to what others may think about me. I am no longer responsible for anyone's opinion. I have no need to control anyone, and no one controls me either.

~ A life without judging others. A life where I can easily forgive others and let go of the judgments that I have.

~A life where I don't need to be right and I don't need to make anyone else wrong (this one is more of a goal right now,  obviously).

~ A life where I respect myself and everyone else, and they respect me in return.

~ A life where I can live without the fear of loving and not being loved. A life where I am no longer afraid to be rejected, and I don't have the need to be accepted. I can say, "I love you" with no shame or justification. I can walk in the world with my heart completely open and not be afraid to be hurt.

This life is my heaven.

How is your life your heaven right now?

Thank you to each of you for sharing bits and pieces of your journey to heaven. Of the lives you are creating, of the good energy you are putting out there, of your constant love and acceptance of me and those around you. You are making this world into something I am proud to be apart of.

Song of my week: Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing"---download it now!

The Spirit of Moonlight

How do you feel, if you believe in a religion where this is true, to only have a MALE god to relate to? Have you ever been worried about it? How do you feel having your Savior be a male? Do you wonder if he can really, possibly, truly know your innermost thoughts and ideas and struggles as a woman? Am I alone in wondering why the world shuns the idea of a FEMALE Divine?

In the LDS religion, though it is never voiced very loudly, most members believe in a Heavenly Mother...someone married to the Heavenly Father that they pray to and seek guidance from. But nothing is really taught or known or even talked about....just this vague idea that she is there, quiet, in the background, not really playing any part that I can see. These vague ideas made me imagine a Mother who was always soft-spoken and dripping with sentimentality and all the saccharine rhetoric that goes on about her existence has simply turned me off the idea for much of my life. I didn't want to identify with THAT kind of a female deity.

I know many people would think it sacrilelgious to even WANT to know if a female counterpart to God exists--let alone if I desire to pray to her, which I don't, not at this point. Here is why--the explanations of why we can't pray to her disturb me...like Heavenly Mother is too special to talk to? Heavenly Father is protecting her from the evil things her children would say about her? Or maybe, worshipping a woman is just one step away from leading followers in the direction of pagan fertility rites? Each argument, which I have indeed heard several times in my life time, seems sillier than the last.

Many LDS feminists have advocated giving a more prominent place to Heavenly Mother in their basic religious doctrine. I don't really know how I feel about this either. I understand the argument completely. Worshipping a male God without a female counterpart puts males in a privileged position, doesn't it? God is like them in a fundamental way that God is not like women. I think this is where some of the root of my issues with religion are growing...I cannot believe that an environment, any environment which conceptualizes the divine in exclusively males terms does not to some extent influence the ways in which that said environment is going to think about men and women and their capabilities.

Lynnette at Zelophad's Daughters voiced this issue with words I could have written myself: "If we have no Heavenly Mother, women have no divine role model which pertains to their gender, and that is indeed a challenge. But if Heavenly Mother exists, what we have is a divine role model for women which may be more disturbing than no role model at all--one in which women are silenced to the point of invisibility, in which they seem to disappear altogether into the idenity of their husbands. Though I find the idea that God is a married couple to be appealing, I am unsettled by speculations that the Father in some way represents both of them, or that she is listening or involved despite the fact that we are permitted to address him and him alone. Some suggest that this setup exists because the two are so perfectly unified. But why, I wonder, does unity seem to require that women (but not men) sacrifice their individual identity--in this case, to the point where we can only guess as the whether a female is even present in the relationship."

Please forgive the long post, but this has been weighing on me recently. Two things have happened lately that I have tried to process and take into account when sharing my ideas.

1. An old friend has recently learned of my disassociation with the LDS church. After several long emails of me stating all of my reasons, because he wanted to know, he was able to sum it up. He believes that I am simply mad at God and that I am not a Feminist at all...that my reasons of feeling lesser in the church (a church that he has decided is the one true faith to follow) is because I am a boycrazy girl who didn't get a husband. Yes, you heard me right. Because God didn't give me this husband and family I wanted, then I got angry and decided to act the part of a petulant child and just go out and "sin" because I am hurt over it. Hmmm, this has made me very tired and a bit reticent to even blog anymore. And this friend is probably reading these words right now thinking, "That's not what I meant!" But, I am quoting word for word, so yes, I think it is exactly what you meant. And while I promised not to get offended when he told me what he thought about my situation, I do feel a bit degraded that someone would think I was using my ideas of equality and justice as a cloak for feeling sad that God didn't give me the white picket fence that I was brainwashed into believing was the one thing I should seek after in my life because it was where my WORTH would lie. I have never really thought that that was God's responsibility. I have always believed it was mine. God did not force me to not marry men who have been interested in marrying me. It's not God's job magically put a man in front of me with a shinning halo and a big arrow pointing to him saying "He's the one." The truth is, we are all just acting on faith here...plain and simple. You could be wrong. You could be right. We really DON'T know...and I am SO tired of people making me feel like I DO know what they know and what they KNOW is the ONE truth and because I secretly DO know it and am not acting upon it then I will be punished in the hereafter...are you confused too? Yep. But this week especially, I have been wondering if God is going to condemn my soul, a soul that is trying so hard to do what is right for my life, to hell. If that is the God that you believe is going to judge me, then I'd really rather not believe in that God.

2. Another friend gently chastised me for expressing my concerns for my religion on my blog. She told me that I was influencing a lot of people. However, what she meant was, "Hey, you are not painting a pretty picture of this religion that I believe in and I am mad at that and you will be judged for this if you are leading people away from the truth with your words." This seemed crazy for me, and addresses another issue I have with religion. This ENDLESS need to convert the world to your beliefs. I am not a representative for the LDS church. I am not here to speak ill of any religion. If you believe in Jesus, but a man on the street is preaching against Jesus...will you believe him? If your convictions are firm, they you possess the capability to read and reason on your own. To me this is the food of life. To think, to guess, to ponder, to discuss. What do we have if we don't have this? In fact, I know many old friends who refuse to even read my blog anymore as they feel it has been full of evil, wrong ideas that they shouldn't entertain. And that is their prerogative.

Please note that I don't want the discussion on this blog to be about addressing these two people or my response to them. That's not the point, that's just where I have been at this week. I'd really rather have a discussion on deity and how you define him or her. I've been researching it and finding some interesting ideas, but I'd like to hear yours. Do you believe in a female counterpart to God? Is she Mother Earth, Gaia? Have you thought of this?

There are numerous Jewish and Christian groups who see the Holy Spirit as being our heavenly Mother. They base their thinking regarding the gender of the Holy Spirit on the fact that the Hebrew word for Spirit is Ruach, which is feminine. I thought this was an interesting idea...not one that works for me, but I love that other religions have tried to work the female into their fundamental belief system.

The Umbanda or in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil the Candomble religion worship Iemanja as one of the Seven orixas of the African Pantheon. She is the Queen of the Ocean, the feminine principle of creation and the spirit of moonlight. (Much like the Catholic Our lady of the Seafaring). I feel connected with her for a very real reason. When I was studying in Brazil our group of 40 students went the home of a Candomble Priestess and ate African food while she told us about her religion. They identify with three Gods and four Goddesses. As you grow, the Priestess will assign you a patron God or Goddess to identify with. Someone asked her how she assigned them. She said that often, the God or Goddess was simply shinning through so brightly, it was impossible to deny. So, that girl asked again, "Well, can you see any of them in us?" The Priestess, beautiful in her white clothing, regal in her manner, spiritual in her nature looked around the room and said, "Yes, there are three here who shine bright with their God." The girl pressed her, "Won't you tell us?!" I was quiet, knowing that when she had scanned the room, her eyes had lingered just a bit longer on me then they had on the girl next to me. She pointed to two girls and told them, then she pointed to me. "You, with the blonde, your Goddess is as clear as the blue sea on our coasts. Your Goddess is Iemanja."

Research Iemanja--you'll see why it was so special for me. The mother goddess, the patron deity of women, especially pregnant women...

The feeling inside, this idea that a female goddess was shinning through me was one of the most spiritual moments in my life. Even more than that was realizing that I hold within myself endless possibilities. However, it has taken me a long time to get to where I am, and I still wonder about these male Gods. I still wonder what life would have been like for an innocent, blonde, rosy cheeked girl to grow up with a strong female divine letting her know that she was just as good as the men who were allowed to lead her just because that's how it's always been done.

Giving Up the Dream?

Disclaimer** It is my prerogative to feel one way on Saturday and COMPLETELY different on MONDAY. Got it? Good.


This morning I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and so I did (only a few summer days left to be able to do this). My sheets are the color of a September sky and I let them rest on my face, forming a blue silhouette of my body, still as a corpse that's just been covered in a hospital. I could picture the nurse in her glowing white uniform, the sun shining behind her head as she walks up and covers me, saying "Yep, this one didn't make it."

For some reason I woke up wishing to be a "simple" Mormon girl again. By simple, I don't mean simple minded, I mean simply beautiful and believing and full of faith and hope (like Jenn's beautiful comment described yesterday!). Now, I still have all those qualities, but whereas before they were each beautifully laid out on the kitchen table of my life, it seems I have taken them, put them in a blender, pressed the liquify button, and now don't know how to tell one from the other. I'm not quite sure what kind of girl I am anymore, or what I really want to ask from life.

Two years ago my life was a lot more simple. I knew I wanted to marry an LDS man, in the LDS temple, and raise children who believed in all of these things and were strong and immovable in the faith and we would have beautiful time singing Primary hymns about Jesus. We would skip to various places in slow motion. My hair would always be perfectly combed. The sun would always shine. My husband's teeth would sparkle when he smiled. We would say family prayers, kneeling next to one another as I had grown up doing with my family. We would go to church each Sunday, in matching outfits (just kidding, I never wanted this, but I have seen it a lot). My daughters would get the Young Womanhood Recognition awards and my boys would be Eagle Scouts. I would serve in the Relief Society with a smile, and I would know how to grind wheat, and I would know how to bake homemade bread because it is healthier and better and cheaper. I would stay at home and teach my children to read before they went to Kindergarten. Goodness, maybe I would even home school and have children who were on a 9th grade reading level at only 10 years of age! All these things I could see clearly, and I really did want them.

I don't anymore. Not exactly these things.

My dreams are different now...a little more hazy, a little more self-aware. But the two things that have been constants are the dreams of wife and mother.

And I woke up this morning truly wondering if there comes a point in life where you just give up the dream. Does there come a point in a woman's life where she should just let it go? I mean, really! Should I just stop dating, stop trying? Stop putting myself out there again and again? I always told myself it would be when I turned 34. I don't know if I can hold on that long anymore.

It's hard to pose this question to my readers because most of you are married and you do have children and you can't picture your lives without either of those two factoring into the equation.

But, I am feeling old. I am not that old, I know. But today I feel old. And I feel tired. I am tired of carrying around this dream.


So, I've been thinking all morning "Wow, D'Arce, when are you just going to let it go? When are you going to realize this might not be YOUR path. When are you going to get the ball rolling on other things? Isn't it finally time to give up the dream of husband and family and realize it just might not be in the cards for you? Huh? Are you listening to me D'Arcy? When is enough finally going to be ENOUGH? You've been at it for OVER a decade!!!!!!!!!! When you just gonna give it up?"


So, does there come a time to give up one dream, replace it with another, and move on? Is it HUMANLY possible to ever give up that idea of finding the right person? How did it get SO ingrained in our genetic make-up?




P.S. It does not help that I have a bridal photo shoots scheduled for the next four weeks. Not at all.

A Million Shattered Pieces

To say the the last five months have been "hard" in my life is an understatement. I've had to shovel my way through a lot of guilt, anger, bitterness, sadness, and the constant feeling that I am just letting everyone down.

To wake up today and realize that I can't stop smiling is an amazing, beautiful gift.

There is a big window made up of thick square prisms of glass in my shower. If I time it just right in the morning, I hit the shower just as the sun is shining through. Amazingly this casts thousands of tiny, incandescent, little rainbows all over my body and makes me sing praises of joy. It gives me time to meditate and feel grateful for my body, for this life and soul within me, for the beauty of a simple day in a simple town lived by a simple girl.

As many of you know, my religious foundation and I have had a rocky few years, and I finally took this foundation and broke it into a million pieces. I saw my testimony of Christianity as a solid rock for a long time, then after I served an LDS mission I realized it was a delicate glass globe that I needed to treat VERY carefully, as it was on the verge of breaking. Mostly, I packed it away, did what was expected, and tried to ignore what may be wanting to escape the confines of that globe. Finally, in March, I took the step of taking that globe, which really had become more like a HUGE weight around my neck ready to sink me, and I smashed it into a million little pieces.

What has come from that?

A soul that didn't just dissipate into thin air and leave me cold and alone...but a soul that was yearning to get free...to GROW...to FILL space and time unlimited!!! A soul that has surprised even myself.

For the past few months I have kept a lot of what I have been thinking and feeling to myself. I have made lots of apologies to my friends "I'll come back to church." "I know I shouldn't feel this way." "I know I am a doubter." "I am going through a phase." "I need to take a break from things." "Hopefully, I will feel like being in the LDS religion again." "Don't be sad for me."

Let me just say, those were all attempts to smooth things over, to hope that you would still love me, to pray that you wouldn't judge me or condemn me, or feel sorry for me, or look at me with eyes that say "you are on your way to hell." To those of you who may still think this, I am saying now openly that I am making NO more apologies or excuses for the way I am living my life. I am not going to hide things anymore, so if you want to get to know the real me, then I rejoice in that. If you want to pity me and inwardly think that I have made the wrong decisions and that I am ruining my life, then I respectfully say that I don't want you in my life anymore. If you call me to talk and to get me to progress to an idea that you think is truth, I say you better be ready for me to tell you how I really feel. If you pray for me to come back to church and be the good mormon girl I used to be, I respectfully ask you to pray that your heart will be opened to the many different ways people can connect with this amazing God who loves us all. If you can't handle that I drink coffee and wine and do other things that we have been raised to see as sin, then please...don't feel like I need saving. I've come to learn for myself that belief is personal. Faith is personal. There is something within us that seeks faith. Faith is not a religion. Beliefs come from faith and I respect each of you, your path, your beliefs, the humble and happy way in which you live your lives. Whatever works for you, whatever makes you happy, that is my greatest wish for each of you. I am on the path to discovering what works for me.

So, here I am, sitting on a big stone floor with a million little pieces of the testimony of God and Christ and religion all scattered about me. I have tried to pick at a few pieces and put them in different places. I thought this rebuilding would take me a few months and then I would have it all figured out again. I have felt pressure to replace my old solid beliefs with new solid beliefs. I had a friend ask me "So, you don't keep this "commandment" yet you decided to go to church on Sunday, how does that work?" I immediately went into defense mode (a mode I have been in for 5 months and I am so, so, so tired of it...can you tell?) I came up with a great answer and left it at that. But I didn't really believe my answer. I always thought that to just be, to be uncertain, to be scared, to be happy, to realize that you are finding joy where you didn't think you could, to be all these things was scary...I'd rather be "right" and have the "truth".

Not anymore. I am so grateful for this experience in my life. I am grateful for growth. I am grateful that I am sitting here not being weighted down by a big rock, not tiptoeing around life hoping that I won't drop the glass globe, but instead, surrounded by a million little pieces that are casting glorious rainbows of light over my entire being. I am grateful to let these pieces sit here. I am grateful that one day I will feel like moving them and rebuilding something new. I am grateful that I will probably get cut in the process and have scars to tell my children about.

And most of all, I am grateful that no matter what anyone else wants to believe or think or say about my life...that I feel close to a God who has only ever believed in me. A God who doesn't doubt me. A God who loves me unconditionally. A God that has seen my potential from the very moment of my creation. A God who continues to shower me with love and happiness and joy. A God who knows how strong I am. A God who is a big, big God...bigger than many of us might realize. A God that isn't confined to the religions of today. A God who is there for ALL of his children. Now, I may not know what religion this God wants me to be. I may not know what heaven this God wants me to go to. I may not know a lot of things. But that's ok. That doesn't scare me anymore.

I used to have everything about my life figured out. To the last detail.

I don't anymore...in fact, I've never been so uncertain of my path than I am now.

But I have also never been happier.


Thank you God.

Is Perfection Too Perfect?

(this is a photo of a painting I did a few years ago, it's a take on Vermeer..who I always thought was the best of perfectionists!)

What is your idea of perfection? Does it deal with what you look like? Does it reflect your home? Does it reflect being like Jesus? Is it measured by the number of kids you have? Is it measured by the number of kids you have that stay active in your religion? Is it measured by how often you can check things off your list? (Took cookies to new neighbor--check. Made sure my kids said all their prayers tonight--check. Made sure that my husband’s suit was pressed for church--check. Made sure I had the house clean when people stopped by--check. Made sure I didn't eat that second piece of pie so I can look attractive--double check.)

Growing up Christian I was always taught that I should strive to be perfect like Jesus. That I should love others, serve others, sacrifice my time and energy for others, follow a set pattern of keeping the ten commandments and setting my sights on a future where my greatest value would lie in being a good wife and mother (one who DID NOT work outside of the home...because that would cause failure INSIDE the home).

These teachings honestly helped me live a good life. I am so grateful for the integrity that I was taught to live by. I am grateful that I gave to charities, that I helped old widows, that I befriend the friendless, that I kept the Sabbath day holy.

These are things I want to continue to do in my life, no matter if I ever enter church doors again, because I believe they do make the world better. What you put out in love and kindness is sure to be returned to you.

But, it's the idea of PERFECTION that has taken its toll. Growing up I was preached an idea of being perfect: One person I needed to be like—Jesus Christ. One place we all needed to end up--Heaven. One way to get there--the straight and narrow path. One way to be--perfect.

This concentration on perfection went awry in me, as I have seen it do in others. By concentrating on this one perfect version of myself, all I saw were my magnified IMPERFECTIONS.

But what is this definition of perfection? If we are ALL different, then how can one idea of perfection satisfy each person? Does God want us to all be clones of each other (of course, you are all going to emphatically shout NO, D'ARCY--of course NOT! But really then, what is this perfect ideal that we humans seem to seek, or believe in, or follow?)

Perfection is a comparative term. Perfect with respect to what? And what would perfection be like? If it’s the same formula for all, then once reached, wouldn’t it be a state beyond which there is no place to go. It would be a static position. No growth. No change. Is this something anyone, including God would want? I don’t think so. It would be sterile and lifeless.

I don’t know if I believe in the idea of perfection anymore.

But if I did, to me, the idea of perfection would be transformed into a principal of constant and eternal struggle, change, progress, and growth. To be perfect is not to reach some final static state but to engage in the infinite struggles and possibilities of life.

The world and ourselves, as they are, are not to be rejected as imperfect. The world and ourselves are as they should be, a living dynamic process for the eternal creation of love, beauty, and meaning.

One Heaven? One Truth?

Is there really only one heaven? One afterlife for everyone in the world to fit in? If that is the case, how could everyone be happy?

Is there really only one truth? One truth for everyone in the world to accept? If that is the case, how could everyone be happy?

Is Christianity, as I know it, the only truth? Most Christians seem to believe this idea. They believe that the world needs to be converted to Jesus as much as the Muslim believes that the Christian needs to be converted to Muhammad. Christians also claim that in the afterlife people will be taught the “truth” and decide whether or not to “accept” it. But, these same Christians also believe that we are the same person once we die. So, if that is the case, then, honestly, not many Muslims or Jews are going to be “saved” according to Christian standards. How sane is it to believe that everyone is going to have to convert to Christianity AND be happy about it? ...especially if they are the same person in heaven that they were on earth? If you die, and were then taught that some other faith had it all right, and you were wrong-- could you then so easily forget about your relationship with your Savior?**

As the world exists right now, the current religious breakdown is:
Christians 33.32% (of which Roman Catholics 16.99%, Protestants 5.78%, Orthodox 3.53%, Anglicans 1.25%), Muslims 21.01%, Hindus 13.26%, Buddhists 5.84%, Sikhs 0.35%, Jews 0.23%, Baha'is 0.12%, other religions 11.78%, non-religious 11.77%, atheists 2.32% (2007 est.)…..so really, all of these people are supposed to find joy (understanding that my premise for the afterlife is that there might be some semblance of joy and contentment...otherwise, it's hell, and let's not go into what I think about that right now!) ....ahem, as I was saying, all of these people are supposed to find joy in the exact same Kingdom as this white girl from Utah might? Hmmmm, I just don’t think so anymore...it seems a bit absurd.

I recently finished The Hundred Secret Senses by Amy Tan. It was a beautiful tale of spirituality, awakening, life and afterlife. The Chinese afterlife is so different from mine, and so lovely. Tan created an unforgettable character in Kwan.

"My sister Kwan believes she has Yin eyes. She sees those who have died and now dwell in the World of Yin...It was Kwan who taught me, if people we love die, then they are lost only to our ordinary senses. If we remember, we can find them anytime with our hundred secret senses." When Kwan is asked by her sister about the afterlife, she gives such a beautiful explanation that resonated with me. She explains that all those who love Jesus, will be with Jesus. Those who love Allah will go to "Allahland" (as Kwan called it!), and everyone will be where their truth resides, and it will be heaven for them.

So, my question--can heaven be as diverse as earth? Or, to truly be heaven, must we all be alike? I rather relish in differences, so I kind of hope it’s the former…just maybe in heaven we will all learn how to love each other for our differences, instead of trying to change everyone to see the truth as we see it.


When you google" "heaven"...here are some of the images that come up. I love the variations.





**Note: Whatever religion you are, I'm not trying to undermine it. Every religion assumes their view of heaven is the only view, and I accept that you, or many of you, may see your religion as the only truth and I respect that.

No More Scare Tactics

I went to my new ward for the first time yesterday. I had so many hopes that it might be a place for more discussion and talking and more open than the ward I have been. Was it ridiculous of me to have these feelings?

I'm trying to justify my experience in some way....maybe I came on an off day or maybe it was more my attitude (most likely). But there were ten girls and two boys in the GD class and the girls all went off on how it is harder to do our callings because we are single and if we get the chance to have a date we are going to take that and not do our responsibility. Um, wow! Can I please use that excuse for everything I don't accomplish in my iife? As singles are we really that shallow? Do we live and crave the next date so much so that every other thing we are meant to do goes out the window? Ok, I know, I am ranting....I am being unfair, but come on! Do I really want to hear this stuff every Sunday? No. Am I so tired of church coming down to the fact that I am single, so something is wrong with me? Yes.


Then another girl went off on how if we don't do our callings then the blood of all those we could have helped will be on our heads forever. I raised my hand and said that was a scare tactic. That doing our callings because we are afraid of the consequences of NOT doing them is not the right attitude. Also that we shouldn't think so highly of ourselves. The Lord will take care of his church, he has shown that time and time again, and if we are not ready and willing to step in and do something he has called us to do, then he will call someone else. Callings are more to benefit us individually and help us work together as a community than to be worried about the act of saving people. The teacher got completely offended and baffled at my comment and was quite upset. The rest of the group just looked at me as if "my whole body were covered in scales."

Not too bad, probably, but I am really, really, really tired of doing things that aren't in my heart because I am afraid of God and because I feel guilt. I am really, really, really tired of doing things out of guilt instead of doing them for the right reasons. I am tired of living according to some type of scare tactic. In fact, I am scared right now to even write this because many people who leave comments on this blog are not going to understand where I am coming from. They are going to want me to make decisons that conform to the decisions they are making and to the decisions they feel I should be making. But I am really tired of doing that lately. So, hopefully you will still be my friends, even if you feel the path I am choosing for my life right now is not quite what you think it should be.

I have taken a month off of church and it was nice, after yesterday, I just don't think I am ready to go back yet. And yes, I realize, the more I don't go, you say the easier it is not to go. But if I don't want to go, then I am not going to go. Somehow having that option, as a friend told me this morning, makes going an even better feeling, because I am going for the right reasons.