Thursday, March 5, 2009

God's a Woman Too

I found this video while reading over at Kate Lord Brown's website.

I've been pondering a question today. A question that makes no sense. I've wondered how people who claim to love you can be the quickest to speak harshly to you when you do or do not deserve it. When you feel love for someone, shouldn't it be the easiest thing in the world to speak words of love to them, even when you're angry? Don't we all reach an age where we learn how to handle other people's mistakes or shortcomings gracefully, ESPECIALLY with those we love? I guess that's a Godlike attribute that many would say we lack, but I'm hopeful. I've been hurt a lot. A lot. But I can honestly say that I have not ever purposefully or intentionally tried to hurt someone with my words. I've never said "I love you" to someone and then turned around and said "fuck you" to that same person the next day. Is it true that love and hate can be that closely connected?

That's the thing. I got an emotional sucker punch in the face this morning.  A very big FUCK YOU right to the gut. And yet, instead of crying and scrambling around doing what women do best in trying to apologize for causing it (even if I didn't) or blaming myself (even if it's not my fault) or questioning my own valid feelings (even if they don't match with what someone wants me to feel)....well, ok, I DID do all of those things for most of the day....but instead of being pulled into this pit of failure or sadness, I decided not to go hide in a corner like the wounded puppy I felt like. 

That's right, instead of feeling too trampled to move forward, I actually felt a pull to better myself, push myself, and to let that Phoenix rise and fly, even if I go my journey alone (And Paris alone this summer is a big manifestation of just what my life has in store for me). Then I found this song, and  actually it seemed to fit my mood. You can tell the singer is powerful, her words alone prove that, but her voice is so small and has so much growing and things yet to prove, but she is on the brink of proving that. That's where I am in my life. That's what you are witnessing. Sure, I got hurt today, but in the end I'm responsible for my actions. I'm responsible for my happiness.

In the end, I own my reality, and I've decided I'm not going to get mad at the world or at God. I'm not looking for a man or a woman or a job or a car or a size to make me feel better about something. I've weighed all the facts, and despite it all, I'm still an optimist.


smiles4u said...

Wow! Beautiful words and so thought provoking. I loved the video of that song too.

I have questioned and pondered the same thing all of my can people who claim to love you, say or do mean things to you? To this day I don't get it. I remember standing in front of my father, who claimed to love me, as he said to me, some of the most vile things that can be humanly said. I remember thinking as his fist hit my face, how can you hit someone you love? I remember thinking the same thing with men in the past, that treated me the same way. Pure meaness that didn't match up with the love they claimed to have for me. I remember one that said he treated me this way because of how much he loved me, that it was for my own good, to make me better.

All of these things really fucked with my mind because meaness, whether it be in words, acts or phyically hurting someone does NOT match up to love. I spent much of my life apologizing for making them angry or for things I didn't do, blaming myself and questioning, what is so wrong with me that even someone that loves me will hurt me in such a big way? I spent my life trying to avoid doing "those" things that seemed to really piss them off but really I never truly understood what "those" things really were.

I cannot imagine EVER intentionally hurting someone, especially someone I claimed to love. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's not suppose to?

When I finally reached the point of "enough is enough"...the I would rather be alone then with someone that claims to love me but hurts me. Much like you I decided I would not go hide in the corner anymore,dusted myself off, pulled myself up and decided to go it alone. I decided that I was responsible for my happiness(a light bulb moment)and actions and that I would never again settle for anything less then the best. And I didn't.

Now that I am with someone that never even raises his voice at me...whom has never yelled at me in the almost 4 years we have been together, has never even swore at me. He cannot even fathom treating anyone in the manner that I have been treated. He cannot fathom that I put up with it. His actions match his words of love. Hurt is no longer a part of love for me...thank God.

I am really proud of you my friend. I am happy that you continue to move forward as an optimist. You are amazing my friend and only deserve the very best!!! Love and hugs, Lori

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

Bravo, D'Arcy! I believe what you showed today is not only optimism but.... (drum roll).... WISDOM.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Steve and Jenn Fletcher said...

Yeah, I don't know why we do that--feel like we can criticize or judge more freely the ones we love the best. For some reason I find myself doing this with my siblings A LOT (they call me "the preacher"). I think I do it because I want to help them overcome their stupid ways and become their best selves...I guess that is the motivation behind it. But it is the wrong way to go about it. WAY the wrong way! I've been trying the last few years to just give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people are already painfully aware of their shortcomings and are trying to find ways to overcome them. I know I already beat myself up over my own shortcomings and I don't need anyone else to do the same. It's a good lesson to learn.

And, yes, another lesson and one I really am TRYING to learn (but that I suck at) is to NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS!!! It must be one of the ultimate keys to happiness.

Michelle said...

D'Arce, I'm there for you not matter what is going on. Let me know if you need to vent sometime soon.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'm wondering what movie that is from.

Embrace the goddess D'Arcy. Kate mentioned the book Women Who Run with the Wolves the other day. and I have it and am now rereading it. Powerful stuff.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Hi D'Arcy - bravo! Sad thing is the people closest to us often know our weak spots - countless times I've spoken to friends about why certain family members can be charm itself to strangers and complete nightmares within the family .. The song is from the movie 'Thing Called Love' - a great uplifting cult movie about a bunch of songwriters trying to make it in country music (and River Phoenix's last). Recommend it! x

Robin Easton said...

This is so beautifully written. I like that it is very raw, emotional and honest. Laid right out there. And I loved witnessing the process you went through to remain standing solidly in your center. You are one dynamic woman. Very much your own person and a real powerhouse. It did me a lot of good reading this. I not only related to it but I felt made stronger by it. BTW, Great writing. Excellent. Hugs, Robin :)

Ruahines said...

Kia ora D'Arcy,
I have to concur with everything my friend Robin has written above. To read of you Rising Above Mediocrity on your terms brings a lump to my throat. Kia kaha my friend.

Sugar Jones said...

I don't know why, but this made me cry. Haha... of all the things you right about, THIS... I think it's because we share this as humans. Being hurt with harsh words by those we love. I think of my daughter.

I can picture a beautiful Phoenix in all manner of flaming orange and red rising from your bruised heart, D'Arcy. I love that you are so beautiful in spirit.

Can't wait to hug you!!

Sugar Jones said...

okay... and by right... I meant WRITE...

Maybe I was thinking "She's RIGHT!" It came out through my keyboard. Yeah... that's it.

And I think I know why I cried. It was the Phoenix. YOU.

Olivia said...

I don't think it's a matter of love, but of comfort (unless someone broke up with you, then it's something else entirely) but with family and friends we love a lot, we don't censor ourselves like we do with others. We're comfortable, so we unleash whatever we're feeling on that other person, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Censorship isn't always bad. Sometime we need to do more of it with those we love. Rather than showing them what a bad day we've had, better to just say it calmly.

Moonbird said...

You asked, is it true that love and hate can be that closely connected?

"Nothing breeds more hate than love." -friend of mine, two weeks ago.

Is hate strong enough to fuel itself? I believe it's like a fungus or parasite...breeding and multiplying off the rich soil of the real The real nutrition.

ophelia rising said...

D'Arcy, I think sometimes the people who are closest to you can also be those who hurt you the most - perhaps because of the very fact that they love you so much. Because they feel as if they CAN. And they hope you will understand them. Or, at least, forgive them. I know that I can be the harshest with people with whom I am the closest, only to come back teary-eyed and sorry later. It's just that, I feel as if I CAN, with them. It doesn't make it right. But I think it's the reason.

I think that when someone is behaving horribly, and appears to be incredibly mean and agitated, this is when they need that unconditional love and understanding the most. It's SO difficult, and not always possible, but I know I behave badly when I'm down and hurt and confused, and frankly, all I need is a big hug and kiss, and an "I love you." But it's so hard to be on the other end - I know.

Confusing, this stuff. And to retain your optimism is wonderful, and key to your moving forward. xoxo