Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Family, Isn't it About Time?

So, an interesting thing happened today. My mother just called in almost a fit of tears and sadness. Apparently, my sister called her and told her that my blog is covered with pornography (which I find quite entertaining/disturbing on several levels). My sister also told my mother that I was bashing the church, the 12 Apostles, and that I used the F-word every other word. I am not kidding, this is EXACTLY what my mother said to me. Now, given my families penchant for drama, I'll believe that my sister said about half of that.

My mom and my sister. They've never read my blog actually. I really only know of a cousin or two who occasionally checks it. Other than that, no one in the immediate fam besides April. Thus my freedom to discuss and talk and not worry about any repercussions.

So, back to this moment...my sister just printed out my last blog to give to my mother who doesn't know how to use the internet very well. They know I've not been active, but I've never given too many reasons because I know that they wouldn't understand. My mom in a fit of tears and frustration, just dramatically shouting "But why?! Why would you want the priesthood?! Why?!!!!"

It is the easiest thing for me to say, "Well, women need the priesthood." Because to me it sums up much of what I feel and see in the church about the patriarchy. Maybe I don't REALLY want the priesthood per se, but I do want more. I don't know how to voice that I feel hurt in a religion that doesn't hurt them, that I feel confused by a religion that doesn't confuse them, that I feel put down and trod upon and used and slapped, and lied to by a religion that has lifted, helped and loved them. And it does not help that they know very little about the actual true church history and the deeper doctrines, in response to this my mom said, "Well, I have more important things to do everyday." So, again, it's hard to get my point across with this type of "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude.

My mom confessed that she feels I am falling away from the family. With my family I don't mention a lot of ideas because I know no one will converse with me about them or even understand them. I am happy, simple, kind, the peacemaker, and when my mom or sister say things that I utterly can't agree with, i just smile and nod. I know, hard to picture me like that. But truly, it's the Pollyanna image I've cultivated for years as an active LDS/return missionary.

I've seen my family about 5 times in the last two weeks, so I'm not falling away per se, but I did finally confess to my mother something as well.

"Well, Mom, you don't really know me."

And then there was silence. And neither of us knew exactly what to say....

So she went on to tell me that Obama was the Lenin of our time, the Hitler and the Anti-Christ all in one.

Way to find some common footing mom.

But mom, as you read this, just think. Think about it. You've raised a daughter who is happy and accomplished, a daughter who seeks to do good and spends her days teaching children to think important thoughts. You've raised a daughter who has loved and traveled the world and embraced everyone...no matter color or creed with love and acceptance. You've raised a daughter in tune with her spirituality, a daughter who thinks on her own, a daughter who lives authentically and not how anyone else wants her to live. You've raised a daughter who is true to herself, who loves her family, who loves God, who is trying to do her best. Really, mom, just remember, you've done a good job with me. So, sit back, take a deep breath, and let's try to get to know each other, ok.


Kristan said...

That last paragraph is beautiful, and true.

Sorry for the stress you've got on your hands.

Rowena said...

Oh, mom...

D'arcy is a lovely person. I don't even know her in real life and I can see that. She is so thoughtful and caring. And you can see how spiritual she is in everything she rights.

But she does ask questions when she sees some injustice. She stands up for those who may not be able to stand up for themselves. And just because you, mom, never felt the need for the priesthood, does not mean that OTHER women have not felt like they could not live up to their potential.

That is who your daughter is remembering. All those girls and women who feel constrained.

She is a good person.

Michelle said...

I'm sending love to you and your mother. She's just looking out for you.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

D'Arcy, my beautiful intelligent and fiercely independent friend,
Your Mom is just afraid she's losing you. That's where all this comes from. Fear.

The daughter she gave birth to and raised has changed (a WHOLE lot) over the past year or so.... and it scares her.

She needs some extra hugs from you.
And reassurance that you will always love her, and your family, unconditionally, and that will not change.

That's my humble opinion.

Boquinha said...

Oh, D'Arcy, I'm so sorry. How stressful!

One of my biggest goals as a parent is to always be approachable. I want our kids to ALWAYS feel they can come to us even if they worry about us not agreeing.

When a family suffers because of a difference in beliefs, it makes me wonder how much those beliefs are benefiting anyone. Oh, so sad.

Olivia said...

LOL, love the left-field (or should I say right?) Obama reference! :)

Jenn said...

It's amazing how many friends you have and how much each one cares for you. That is a testimony of your true character. I hope you and your mom can have meaningful conversations and become closer. Even though I don't know her, I know she will listen to you. Pour out your heart to her. I'm sure she wants D'Arcy, not "Polyanna". Just make sure she knows you are truly listening, too. I think then you'll both feel satisfied and content...even a mutual and unconditional love for each other. Time will tell, right?

Laura said...

It takes mothers a long time to see their daughters not as a continuation of themselves but as separate human beings. And, perhaps, when the daughter goes beyond what the mother has ever thought or imagined it is even harder to see, harder to see that it is not a repudiation of her but her own development that incorporates the mother.

Steve and Jenn Fletcher said...

Speaking as a mom myself, I'm in agreement with HWHL. I think you should try to put yourself in your mother's shoes (hard, I know) and then afterward make sure you try to love her the way you want to be loved. She'll come around.

Don't forget that one day you could have a college-age daughter who might say something along the lines of "Mom, I've decided I want to pattern my life after Sarah Palin's!"

Would you shut your mouth and support her? Or would you put in your two cents?

It's a tough job being a mom and moms should be allowed to make mistakes, disagree or (even) overreact sometimes.

Heck, she cleaned up your vomit at 3 AM, changed your (multiple) poopy blowout diapers, and chased your naked toddler butt around the neighborhood (that one I KNOW is true).

Be patient. And loving. And forgiving. She'll come around.

knixphan said...

"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."

---Amy Bennett

D'Arcy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
D'Arcy said...

Amy Bennett had it right!!

(sorry, got my Bennetts mixed up for a minute!!)

G said...

aw d'arcy, this is touching and beautiful.
mothers and daughters can have very special, close, and angst filled relationships.

my best wishes to you in this.