Friday, January 1, 2010

Bonne Année

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I had the most incredible New Year's Eve of my life. How did that happen? It was my first New Year's away from home since my mission. I was surrounded by people I've only known for about six months, I didn't have a lover to kiss at midnight....so just how was it so amazingly fantastic?

Perhaps it's this delightful feeling of hope and happiness. I've just embraced them on levels I've never reached before. I think the last few months in Utah I felt so confused and stagnant because I knew my life there was going to end in December, but I wasn't sure how everyone was going to fit into the picture. Do I make new friends? Do I try to date? Do I do this or this or do I just wait until my new life? I've been in limbo since my birthday when I decided to move here. Now that that is over, now that I'm here and present and aware of each day's choices and options...there's been a smile on my face that I just can't wipe away if I wanted to.

The company has been pretty magical too. Over a beautiful dinner of salmon pâté (see how I'm getting down the accents!), foie gras, pink champagne, beautiful salads and plump almonds....I sat with three couples who have somehow figured it out. They've somehow figured out objectivity, unconditional love, the balance of selflessness and selfishness needed....they told us all their stories of meeting and living and working through and getting to these places of amazingness. It warmed my heart and brimmed my eyes with tears (I'm such a softy lately!).

The past couple of months I've been wondering if I'm any good at those man/woman relationships because none of mine seem to stick. I've been contemplating a lot if I really even want them to. Part of me, honestly, doesn't...at least not in hind sight...at least not if it meant me not being where I am right now. Getting out of the pressure of Utah has helped. Even though I haven't been active in the LDS church, I still have a lot of brain wiring about love and marriage from a long time back. I'm starting to reconsider. I'm starting to wonder if I really even want marriage as I see this amazing career looming ahead of me. Or maybe I just need to take a break until I'm 35 and look into it again. I've decided, in the long run, not to worry about it. It sounds weird, but it's true. Somehow I work daily on letting all that go. It really is too much of an obsession/moneymaking market for girls across the world. The soulmate, the perfect wedding, the baby showers....all things I was told to want since birth...all things I've been looking at with different eyes. I'm likin' what these eyes are seeing.

And I'm LOVING the possibilities of 2010. An incredible year of working and writing and loving and learning and LIVING!

And it all started in a sweet little Swiss village--celebrating with thousands of people on a magical mountain looking down into an exploding valley of fire.


4 comments:

Ruahines said...

Kia ora D'Arcy,
Well I knew 2009 was going to be an interesting year for you, and it was. I think 2010 holds even more in store for you because you are growing each day into whom it is you are meant to be. All that other stuff will come when it comes. I didn't get married till I was 33 and more or less happily resigned to being on my own. And the better part of 17 years later we are finally getting it right. So time is most definitely on your side. You rock my friend. I love your journey. Rave on. Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb

KingdomWriter said...

Sounds so magical, and awesome. It also sounds inspiring to be around people who 'has if figured out' I didn't really think people ever got it figured out, but there you go. I am proved wrong : ) in a nice way.
I think re-evaluation is great, and it brings such freedom as the chains of the old thinking falls away.
You are in a great place in life right now, embrace it!

EmilyCC said...

This post is brimming with happiness. I love it!

D'Arcy said...

Thanks everyone! It is happy! And it's about a balance too. I think we all get so steamed up in January only to fall short by May. I'm pacing myself in good ways, but also pushing too. It's what we learn, I suppose.

It's so great to keep up with each of you!