Monday, November 19, 2007
Is having a job like having a husband?
Ok, for some reason, being employed has started to feel a lot like what I feel marriage will be like. I have now held down the same profession for five years. During my early days in college, I played the field. I dated Advertising, I had a one-night stand with Business, I had a fling with Acting, and then I found what I thought was the perfect fit, English. English became my main squeeze. For four years we were inseparable, yes we had the occasional spat, but by and large, English and I were in love-- deep, abiding love.
When you are that far gone, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. It was hard, in that time of joyfulness, to realize that English and I could one day happen upon conflict. It just seemed so impossible, we were just SO compatible!!
We dated, we courted, we married and I have the certificate to prove it. We were committed.
The first year I fought hard for our marriage. It was as hard and as rewarding as everyone says the first year of marriage is. By the end of that first year I found a whole other side to my spouse. I cried more, slept more, prepared more, and gave more of myself than I have at any other time. And, in the end, I loved English all the more. Working that hard to keep English and I together only deepened our bond (seriously, people could hardly stand to be together with us, all our adoring stories we would tell...it was annoying, I see that now, too much PDA!!)
The second and third and fourth years sped by with a rapidity that was hard to grasp. We fell into a routine. We had our responsibilities, we got a long, we worked together like clockwork. Sure, there were ups and downs, lows and highs, but at the end of the day, I was happy, and so was English. I felt like this was a relationship built to last.
And then, at the end of the fourth year I became disenchanted. English wasn't as beautiful as when we first met. English no longer made my heart skip a beat. English and I needed more and more time a part. I didn't come home to English, I took vacations from English, I became board with the exact things that used to attract me to English!!
I AM ON THE VERGE OF AN AFFAIR!!!
I feel guilt, extreme guilt for what I am about to say, but I want to cheat on English!!!
I want to divorce English!
But here is the rub! I worry that I am in a "the grass is always greener" mode. You know, most people who get a divorce wish they hadn't. Most people who cheat on their spouses hurt not only their spouse, but themselves. Cheating and divorce are full of heartaches. Yes, English is tiresome sometimes, but wouldn't being married to an Editor make me just as tired? Yes, English is monotonous sometimes, but wouldn't being with a Publisher for five years be just as monotonous? Yes I have to deal with annoying quirks from English, but what if Editing has a horrific mother-in-law who will ruin my life and I rue the day I ever left English?!!!???
Do I need to keep to my commitment and realize I am just in a lull, but that it will get better?
Is there hope for me and English??